Past is Prologue
by ellmo82
Summary: In the summer between junior and senior year an encounter with an old friend forces Quinn to consider who she used to be, who she wants to be, and maybe, just who she wants.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this was inspired by the new set pics of Dianna Agron with pink hair. **

She couldn't believe her mother was sending her on a week-long Christian teens retreat. She knew her mom's reaction to her new hair wasn't going to be favourable, but sending her away to help 're-focus her faith and become part of the community again' was taking it a bit far. She still went to church didn't she? Sure she sat near the back, sometimes playing Cat's Cradle with Sam's sister Stacey, but that was more to avoid the dirty looks than because she didn't want to be there. OK She'd had her moments with God, moments where she was sure he couldn't give a crap about her, but they were on better terms now. That much couldn't be said for her and the rest of the congregation. Bar the Evans family most of them ignored her or whispered to their daughters to not take after her. All very Christian. But here she was with two weeks of summer vacation left and she was going to be spending a week of it being looked down on my Father Arnold and used as a cautionary tale.

"Lucy! Lucy Fabray, is that you?"

She looked up at the sound of her surname, she hadn't responded to the L word in years. A girl who seemed vaguely familiar was walking towards her.

"Lucy, that is you! Wow, you look great."

Quinn stood there, slightly aghast, not sure if she should try to ignore the girl or just give in and get it over with. As the girl got closer Quinn finally managed to place her. Amy Clarke. She had known Amy from kindergarten up until they were ten and Amy's family had moved to California. Amy had pretty much been the only person to want to hang out with sad, pathetic little Lucy and once she'd gone no one had even attempted to take her place.

As Amy got closer Quinn realised she really had no choice but to greet her. Hopefully it could be short and painless and if Quinn had any luck she could spend the next week being as close to the opposite end of the camp as possible to her old friend. The last thing Quinn needed was a week of being reminded that she used to be an even worse loser than she was now.

"Amy?" Quinn said it tentatively, hoping that just maybe she was wrong.

"I can't believe it's you. You've changed so much! Still, I can see Lucy Q in there somewhere." Amy spoke hurriedly and with an excitement Quinn had never been able to muster. She cringed internally at Amy's ascertain that Lucy Q was still so visible behind her Quinn mask.

"What are you doing here?" Quinn tried to hide her irritation at having her past so resolutely thrust back into her life.

"We just moved back Ohio a few weeks ago. Dad got another promotion which brought us back here. It's so good to see a familiar face. Although considering how you look these days maybe that's the wrong turn of phrase."

Quinn looked at floor. Apart from her family no one had ever known both Lucy and Quinn. Sure Lucy had been plastered across the halls of McKinley but there was a difference between knowing what she used to look like and knowing who she used to be.

"Sorry. That wasn't a dig or anything. It was meant to be a compliment. You just, you look like a frickin' prom queen or something."

"Or something" Quinn muttered under her breath.

"Next thing you'll be telling me you don't spend every waking hour listening to Avril Lavigne and Kelly Clarkson anymore."

Quinn couldn't help but smile a little.

"I still have my Kelly Clarkson moments. 'Since U Been Gone' is pretty decent song."

"Oh, sounds to me like there is a story behind that little declaration. I get the feeling I have a lot to catch up on." Amy grinned.

"That's a pretty big understatement." Quinn returned her face to the partial scowl that had become her trademark.

Amy turned so they were standing next to each other and linked her arm with Quinn's and started tugging her along to the registration table.

"Well, Lucy Q, we've got a whole week."

Quinn sighed. Part of her felt more like herself than she had in so long, pulled up close to Amy like that, but that idea alone was terrifying. Actually telling Amy everything that had happened in the past seven years, that was enough to instigate one of her crying jags that she was really trying to get under control. Lucy was the crier, not Quinn. They got to the table and Amy gave her name to the woman sitting there who then handed her a room assignment. It was Quinn's turn next.

"Name?"

"Quinn Fabray."

The woman ran her finger down the list, ticked off Quinn's name and then handed her her assignment. Quinn turned to Amy who was looking at her quizzically.

"Since when do you go by Quinn?"

"Since I stopped being Lucy."

"Ok, that wasn't an actual answer. We really do have a lot to go over. What room did you get?"

"Room two in the Romans cabin."

Amy looked down at her piece of paper and walked back over to the woman organising the rooms. Quinn didn't hear what Amy said but when she walked back she had a big grin on her face.

"What a coincidence, me too. Let's go roomie."

She looped her arm back through Quinn's and walked them towards the cabins by the lake.

Stopping to get their bags on the way the girls arrived at their cabin ten minutes later, Quinn trying to avoid all conversation on the way and Amy deciding it was best not to push it just yet. As soon as they walked through the door of their room Amy headed for the bed on the right under the window and hefted her bag up onto it.

"I'm guessing even Quinn still hates to be woken too early in the morning. Figured I'd take the side that's going to get all the morning sun."

"Um, thanks."

"No problem. Now sit."

Amy sat on her bed and motioned for Quinn to sit on the one opposite. She did as she was told and did her best to maintain the aloof posture that had become her signature. It was one week, one week with someone who knew her as a kid. Everyone changes, right? There was no real surprise that she managed to end up more like her older sister than anyone had thought possible.

"Listen, Amy, it's been seven years. I'm not a kid anymore…"

"Well neither am I but I still use the same name and if I'm not mistaken still have the same nose. What the hell happened Luce?"

"It's Quinn." She said it as sternly as she could.

"Seriously, you're gonna make me call you Quinn now? That's going to take some getting used to. I'll try but you have to tell me what all this was about first."

"Name my friends in elementary school, Amy."

"Well there was Jane and Sarah, Hunter and Chris and , oh, what was her name…Natalie, Natalie Preston."

"Not your friends Amy, my friends."

Amy looked at her for a moment as she tried to recall the dynamics of elementary school, her face dropped as she found it impossible to recall anyone really spending time with Lucy apart from her.

"Precisely, I wasn't exactly the popular kid. I was fat and ugly. I wore those awful sweaters because I didn't want to compare myself to my sister by dressing like her. Once you left that was pretty much it for me. No one wanted to hang out with Lucy Fabray. So I tried to find something outside of school that I could do that might make me some version, I got into gymnastics and ballet. For my 13th birthday I asked dad for a nose job, anything to make me a better Fabray ambassador, right? After that I moved schools, got the family to start calling me Quinn so that no one would know I used to be her and the rest is history."

"Wow." Amy looked shocked.

"Yeah."

"Do you like it, being Quinn, is it better?"

"It's not like it could be worse. People talk to Quinn."

"I talked to Lucy."

"You were the only one though."

"So what's Quinn like? What do you do now? Please say you still draw those awesome cartoons of all your teachers, I used to love those."

"I haven't really drawn in ages, not properly," She cringed for what must have been the tenth time that day as she remembered the many angry drawings she'd made of Rachel, at least she still had some creative outlet. "I haven't really had the time."

"So what do you do then? I mean I haven't changed all that much. I mean obviously I've grown up, read less Harry Potter and more Elizabeth Wurtzel, but generally I'm still pretty much me. Still letting my mouth get me into trouble, still seeing how far I can push before dad gets angry, still asking too many questions. Man I remember how that used to annoy your dad, I was surprised he let us keep being friends the way he would get angry at me."

"You're dad had status, my dad liked that. As for what I do. I'm head cheerleader, or I was. First fresheman to be made head of the Cheerios, we were national champions."

"Seriously? Wow, Luce, that's amazing. Quinn, sorry, Quinn, it's going to take me a while to get used to that."

"Just don't, don't do it in front of anyone. I don't want to have to explain myself." Her voice had an almost plaintive tone that Amy couldn't ever remember hearing from Lucy.

"I won't, I promise. So you said you were head cheerleader, not anymore?"

"I quit for some friends. Actually I kind of quit for me but no one knows that."

"Why?"

"Why does no one know or why did I quit?"

"Both."

"I quit because the coach was a bitch who didn't care what she did to my friend as long as we won. And I think maybe I quit because there were things, people I cared more about than being top of the heap at William McKinley high, you know? Like maybe there should be more than people being scared of me."

"People are scared of you these days?"

"Quinn can be terrifying" She gave one of her death glares, what Finn called scary Quinn.

"OK, I can see that, carry on."

"Anyway. I kind of owed some people I guess, because they'd been there for me, even if I didn't acknowledge it at the time. So I quit. No more special treatment, no more kids cowering in corners or letting me cut in the lunch line. But like I say it's not like we were really that close or anything so they didn't need to know it was kind of for them."

"And who were these othere people, the ones that had helped you?"

"It's lame."

"Hey, I still have a total crush on Ben Affleck despite him not aging well, that's lame."

"I'm in a glee club."

"OK, not what I expected, I was thinking some lame sport like softball."

"You thought I'd play softball?" Quinn arched her eyebrows, not sure exactly what about her said softball and definitely not wanting to think about it too much.

"Sure, why not?" Amy shrugged her shoulders.

"Have you seen what I'm wearing?" Quinn almost laughed.

"Hey, no stereotypes here. I'm sure there are lots of girls in Anthrolopogie dresses who love softball. Anyway, glee club, huh? Guess it could be cool, what kind of stuff do you sing?"

"It's pretty varied. I mean our coach has this weird obsession with rapping but otherwise we can pretty much do what we like."

"Well that's cool. So they're your friends, these glee kids?"

Quinn looked away, knowing that any eye contact would betray her lie.

"Yeah, something like that."

Amy saw it, saw that look she'd forgotten, the look Lucy used to get all those years ago. She wanted to go sit next to her old friend and hug her like she used to. Tell her they were just being jerks and they were jealous because none of them were talented like she was. She was going to be a famous artist one day and they would all be stuck living in Ohio forever. But she didn't know if she could do that with Quinn. Did Quinn like hugs? Did Quinn still need to be reassured that she was more than everything her parents told her she was in that way that Lucy had? She decided to risk it. Getting up she moved across the room and sat next to Quinn, tentatively putting her hand around the girl's shoulders and giving a light squeeze.

"Hey, it's OK you know. We're 17, life's meant to be kind of sucky."

Quinn bristled and shrugged off Amy's arm.

"Did I say anything was wrong with my life?" Her voice oscillated between angry and scared, "I'm fine OK. Everything is fine."

"Quinn."

Her name sounded weird when Amy spoke it, wrong in so many ways.

"No." Quinn didn't want to listen.

"Quinn. You don't have to tell me what's wrong but I know that you're not fine. It might have been 7 years and some kind of crazy final scene from a teen movie transformation, but I still know you. You don't have to hide with me. But also know it's been 7 years and I'm not your best friend anymore, hell we hardly know each other. So I don't expect you to just open up and tell me what's going on with you. But you can, whenever you want. We're stuck here for a week and I'm pretty sure whatever it is you've got to talk about is far more interesting than the intricacies of the epistles from the apostles." She tried to look Quinn in the eye but Quinn kept staring ahead, her jaw tight, "I'm gonna go explore for a while, I'll be back before dinner, maybe we can head down together, make sure we don't have to sit near any of the kids who only spout gospel and have never been allowed to listen to a Katy Perry song."

Quinn smiled a little despite herself but didn't look anywhere apart from the wall opposite until Amy had left the room. She finally let out a breath and swiped at the one small tear that had escaped and tried to make its way down her cheek. She was not going to let Amy get to her. Lucy was a long time and a lot of work ago. So Quinn wasn't working out for the best right now, but at least people looked at her for mostly the right reasons these days. Only people that knew her story gave her that pitying look now, that look Lucy used to get from everyone, including strangers.

She started to unpack her bag and put clothes in the dresser on her side of the room. Hanging up the last of her dresses she reached into the pocket at the side of the bag to get her washroom stuff out. As she pulled the small waterproof bag out something fell out of the pocket. It fell to the floor and she stared at it, frozen in place for a moment. She could make out the words written in pen on the slip of paper sheathed in plastic.

_Miss L Q Fabray, Maternity_

She remembered how it had felt, wrapped around her wrist. How it had helped to concentrate on the scratch of the plastic as the pain ripped through her. How cutting it off had felt like the last connection she had to a child she would never know. She'd forgotten she'd stashed it in there. Actually maybe she hadn't, maybe part of her had known full well exactly where it was but didn't want to ever think about it. She slumped down on the floor and slowly inched her fingers toward the plastic bracelet, letting her fingers run over the edge. She remembered Beth's tiny fist rubbing against it, almost holding onto her, almost being hers. This was the only thing she had they had both touched. How stupid was that? She couldn't help but wonder if Lucy would have got into the same mess. Surely Lucy would have been too sensible to get drunk and ruin any chance she had of getting out of Lima somehow still whole. But then hadn't she been Lucy that night, wasn't that how it'd happened. A few drinks and the scared brunette reared her ugly head. Lucy felt fat and insecure and unlovable. But all Puck had seen was Quinn and Lucy wanted so desperately to be Quinn. Maybe it would never have happened if she'd been better at getting rid of Lucy.

Forcing back the tears she closed her eyes, grabbed the bracelet and forced it back into her bag so she could do her best to try and forget it again knowing she would never succeed. She put her stuff in the bathroom and went back to her bed. She lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling. Breathing slowly she reigned back in her sadness and got as close to returning to equilibrium as possible. She just had to hold it in until she got back home and could slip back into her routine again. At home she could be what she needed to be, cold and ruthless at school, bitchy and sarcastic with Santana, polite but distant with her mom. She knew her roles at home, knew who she was meant to be. Seeing Amy had thrown her into a tailspin. She just needed to get control again and she'd be fine. Everything would be fine.

She must have fallen asleep for a little while because suddenly it was dark. It was a Monday evening. If the rest of the summer was anything to go by she would have been with Santana if she'd been at home. After New York they'd rekindled whatever it was their relationship was. She guessed they were friends. So Monday nights they usually watched whatever was on E and sometimes Santana would allow herself to comment on some hot actress before looking at Quinn to gauge her reaction. Really Quinn didn't care. A couple of years ago she would have told Santana that those kind of thoughts were ungodly; would have suggested that Santana go home and pray that Jesus could help her through her troubles. Now she just hoped that whatever Santana decided would at least make her happy. Because she might always have been a bitch but until recently Santana had also been a pretty content bitch. Thinking of home made her thoughts drift to the one place they always ended up, Finn and Rachel. They were probably on their way to some really cutesy date that would have Rachel practically throwing up with joy because Finn had opened a door for her or something. He'd take her to some restaurant where she'd have to ask them to take the cheese out of whatever she ordered because that was the closest they'd have to a vegan option and Finn would ask if she'd never liked cheese. She got annoyed at herself for constructing such an elaborate fantasy but it just made her so angry, the two of them. Because they'd both denied it, over and over again. But she'd known it. From the moment he'd seen her Finn had wanted Rachel. And it wasn't even that she still wanted Finn, not really. It was just that for once in her life she wanted, needed, to be first choice. But then why would she be anyone's first choice, she didn't even know who she was. She certainly wasn't Lucy anymore, she'd put a lot of work into that, and she'd done a pretty terrible job of being Quinn. What was left?

Amy had spent an hour walking around most of the camp and figured that was enough time for Quinn to be ready to speak to her again. She passed a group of girls huddled around the door to the neighbouring cabin.

"I can't believe Quinn showed her face here." Some short redhead said to the rest of the group.

Amy had always been a terrible eavesdropper, in that she was really good at it despite knowing she really should try and not do it.

"I know. It's not like a week here can erase the disgrace she brought on her family. It's not surprising her dad left. I feel so sorry for her mom." Some girl in awful shoes replied.

"At least she had the decency to not bring up the baby surrounded by all that shame. Hopefully it went to a good Christian family."

"Hopefully"

Amy couldn't quite get her head around what she was hearing. She understood the words they just didn't make any sense. What had happened in the last 7 years? The one thing she did know was that Lucy probably needed a friend more than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N thanks for the reviews and alerts. This one's going to take a few chapters before Rachel shows up, but she will show up, promise.**

Amy took a moment before entering the cabin, trying to make sure her face didn't give away all the questions that were reeling through her head. She made her way to the bedroom and knocked on the door gently.

"Come in."

She walked in hoping her smile didn't look as forced as it felt.

"Hey, you all right?"

"Fine. I've unpacked but I left room for your stuff." Quinn's tone was short.

"Thanks. I think it's dinner time, want to head over to the mess hall with me?"

She wasn't going to let Quinn push her away that easily. A few clipped sentences weren't going to make her stop trying to work out what had happened to the girl who used to cry every time they watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

"I'm not that hungry."

"Come on, I bet they have, like, sloppy joes or something equally disgusting and badly cooked." Quinn stayed silent, not really looking at her, "Plus if you don't come who knows who I might have to end up sitting with. I'm pretty sure I saw some kids comparing brands of purity rings when I went for my walk and to be honest anything endorsed by the Jonas Brothers isn't really something I want to get involved in." She sat next to Quinn and elbowed her gently in the ribs, "Please, for me? For that time I totally took the blame for that broken vase in the den?" She tried her most pleading face. She could see Quinn slowly relenting.

"Fine. But only because I would have been grounded for months over that vase."

"Works for me."

Amy grabbed Quinn's hand and dragged her out of the cabin. Quinn hadn't wanted to give in. She'd rather have spent the first night wallowing in her own misery rather than stuck in a room full of people she never really spoke to any more. But something about the simple familiarity of Amy's request broke down her resolve. Sure Amy had jokingly suggested she was using their shared past as leverage but she knew that the girl was really just trying to remind her of the kind of friendship they used to have years ago. It had never been about one-upmanship or power, it had just been two kids who liked each other's company. She missed that, she missed a friend who just liked her rather used her as social leverage. Not that she was any better herself. If she was honest she couldn't remember the last relationship of any kind she'd had that wasn't in some way about her ridiculous desire for popularity.

When they got to the mess hall Amy kept hold of Quinn's hand until they reached the dinner line. She picked up a tray and passed one back to Quinn, her attempts to make out what the foodstuffs were in front of her making her somewhat oblivious to the hushed gossip that had started as soon as they entered. Quinn wasn't so fortunate. She heard because for a long time it was all she'd heard. Thankfully people at school had pretty short memories and she rarely elicited this response in the halls of McKinley anymore. Especially after her short stint back as the captain of the Cheerios. But the church crowd was different and their ability to hold a grudge longer. And it felt like a grudge, like she'd somehow wronged each and every one of them rather than just forever screwing up her own life. She saw them looking at her, the whispers into ears hidden behind hands, the subtle pointing. She took a deep breath and looked ahead, she had managed months of this at school, she could cope with 30 minutes over dinner. Plus if she was lucky Amy wouldn't notice and she wouldn't have one more thing in her life ruined by 10 minutes of bad decision making. She wondered if this is how Rachel felt most of her life. The thought had fleetingly crossed her mind when she'd experienced her social nosedive when she was pregnant, but with everything weighing on her shoulders it had been little more than a passing thought. However, being here again she wondered if Rachel still actually heard the names she was called or if it was all finally just background noise to her. She wondered how long it would take to build a thick skin like Rachel had, to somehow, despite all this, still ooze confidence. Because Quinn could feel herself shrinking slowly into her own body.

"I think the lasagne looks like the only safe option. That salad looks like it was made last week and I actually have no idea what that brown thing is."

Quinn was pulled out of her thoughts by Amy's voice.

"Yeah, I guess. Sure."

"I would have thought all that cheerleading would have made you some kind of nutrition nut."

"Coach had us on some pretty crazy diets but I've been able to tone it down since I left. What's life without a little grease every now and then?"

"Still a girl after my own heart," Amy grinned at her and turned to the woman serving food. "We'll both have the lasagne, thanks."

They took their trays over to one of the tables that wasn't occupied and with reservations both started to eat.

"This actually isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think I found a vegetable. Look, this was totally a carrot once."

Amy held up her fork with something vaguely orange on the end of it. Quinn smiled at her and pierced something on her own plate that had probably been green before it was cooked within an inch of its life.

"Pea maybe?" Quinn asked.

"Totally."

They were quiet for a while as they both picked at their food.

"So I know you said your folks moved back to Ohio, but why'd they send you here?" Quinn decided if they were going to be spending a week together she might as well get to know the girl again.

"They thought it would be a good way to make new friends, maybe reconnect with old ones. Guess they were right. I mean I had stuff back in California, you know? Friends, a boyfriend. Somehow my parents thought if I came here I could get right back into Ohio like I'd never left. I was part of a church group back home so I suppose this was meant to create some kind of continuity. I thought they were being idiots, like I'd just pick up where I left off when I was a kid. But then here you are, so maybe it doesn't have to be so bad after all."

"You have a boyfriend?"

"Had. We both knew there was no point trying to have a long distance relationship at 17. We'd have been going to college in a year anyway and things would probably have fallen apart then, this just speeded it up. It doesn't hurt any less but at least neither of us is stringing the other along."

"Name?"

"Nathan. He played bass in a local garage band and surfed on the weekends, total Cali cliché."

"Hot though?" Quinn was enjoying having a normal conversation, it helped block out the stares she was sure were still pointed her way.

"Oh yeah, no point doing things by halves. How about you, anyone special?" She wiggled her eyebrows a little but stopped when she saw Quinn's face drop.

"Not right now. There was…there have been…I'm not too good when it comes to relationships. My last boyfriend dumped me for his ex-girlfriend while we were on our way home from a funeral."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. He basically told me I was an unfeeling robot and he should never have got back together with me."

"Wait, I thought he was getting back with his ex?" Amy looked confused.

"Glee club is rather incestuous."

"So this was the second time you'd been with him? Was it him that dumped you the first time?"

Quinn huffed out a breath and continued looking at her plate as she pushed her food around it.

"Yeah, but that one was more my fault. I cheated on him with his best friend. I mean he'd obviously been pining over Rachel for a while, but still. He found out and dumped me and got with her. Then I was with Sam for a while but during that relationship Finn decided he wanted me back."

"You cheated on Sam with Finn?" Amy was a little shocked at her friend's dating history.

"I told you, I'm not good with relationships."

"Then Finn dumped you to get back with the girl he went out with while you two were broken up?"

"Pretty much."

"And Sam?"

"We're kind of friends now I guess; I help him babysit his brother and sister sometimes. He was too sweet for me anyway; we were never really going to work out."

"So then why…?"

"He was on the football team and I was still a relative outcast. Plus he seemed to really like me." Quinn voice took on a defeated tone as she described the events of the previous two years.

"Finn didn't…?"

"No, I think he did, once, before she came into the picture. After that, well, I'm not sure there was much competition after that. I mean how could there be?"

Amy reached her hand over to take Quinn's but before she managed it they were interrupted by two people suddenly sitting at their table. Quinn looked up and steeled herself as if she was waiting for a blow to hit, Amy wasn't sure exactly what was going on.

"Kevin, Jenny, what can we do for you?" Quinn's tone was measured, reserved.

"Listen, Quinn, we know what people are saying behind your back, we just wanted you to know that we don't all think like that. What happened last year, well, it's not for us to judge, you know? I mean it must have been awful and you made such a brave decision and, well, we don't all think you're going to hell. God's meant to be about love and forgiveness, right? So please don't think we're all saying bad things about you. We can't imagine how hard it must be for you…"

Quinn's eyes started to go wide and she tried to interrupt them but it seemed that Jenny had some kind of speech they'd prepared that she was determined to give. Her hopes of having Amy remaining oblivious to her past indiscretions went out the window.

"…to know you have a child out there somewhere. If you ever need to talk, or just want people to hang out with who won't throw scripture at you then come find us. OK?"

Quinn swallowed slowly, they were trying to be nice, they had no way of knowing they'd let the cat out of the bag. As far as Lima was concerned there wasn't a person in town who didn't know how the youngest Fabray had disgraced her family. It wasn't their fault and the last thing she needed was to antagonise more people.

"Thanks. It's sweet of you to come over. I'll keep it in mind." Quinn did her best not to look at Amy.

"Please do. We have to get back outside; we promised some of the guys a game of touch football. Maybe you could join us."

"I'm not really into football, but thanks. Have fun." Quinn's smile was almost genuine.

"OK, you know where to find us. Bye Quinn…" Jenny looked at Amy obviously realising she hadn't even asked the other girl's name.

"This is my friend Amy."

"Amy, cool, well you're totally welcome too."

"Thanks."

Amy was trying not to let on that she kind of already knew about the bombshell Jenny had just dropped. Jenny and Kevin walked away from the table and the two old friends were silent for a moment. Suddenly Quinn stood up.

"I'm going to…I'm just…"

She started to walk away from the table.

"Quinn!" Amy called after her but Quinn didn't look back. Amy quickly dumped their trays by the trash and followed her friend out. It looked like Quinn was headed to the lake. Amy took a quick detour by the cabin to pick something up and then went to go and find her.

Quinn needed to get away. She thought she was over seeing the look on people's faces when they found out about Beth. But she was coming to the realisation that it was going to be a lifelong thing. If she ever planned on getting close to anyone again there would come the day when they'd ask why she got so distant in March, why looking at babies made her so sad. If anyone was ever going to really know her they'd have to know that part of her too. It wasn't shame she felt, in fact she couldn't really put a name to what the feeling was, she just knew it hurt. She wished there was a way people could just tell the moment they met her and that way she wouldn't have to see how hearing about it suddenly changed the way they saw her. She was going to be a disappointment for the rest of her life.

She found herself on a jetty by the lake. She sat on the edge and dangled her feet near the water, wondering if anything was ever going to be OK again. Wondering if anything had actually ever been OK. She felt Amy walk over and sit next to her but she didn't stop watching the slow ripples in the water.

"Drink."

Quinn looked up and saw the bottle Amy was thrusting at her.

"I don't have a good history with drinking."

"That's history. Not everything has to be the way it was before. You look like you need a drink and I do not want to be drinking alone."

"Seriously." Quinn sounded stern but it didn't deter Amy.

"I have no doubt you've had some bad experiences. But this is me and you, have I ever steered you wrong?"

Quinn thought about it for a moment and realised that maybe she was right; Amy was possibly the only person in her life that'd always had her best interests at heart. She took the bottle, vodka from the looks of it, and took a swig. It burned, but in a way that felt like it was exactly what she needed.

"Her name's Beth, at least I think it still is, it's the name we chose."

"It's a nice name."

No one had ever said that before.

"There was no way I could keep her."

Amy didn't say anything; she just took the bottle back, took a swig of her own and handed it back to Quinn.

"It would have been worse. For all of us. So I let Shelby take her."

"Shelby?"

"Rachel's mom."

"Wow." Amy's eyebrows raised involuntarily.

"I told you we were incestuous."

"So was this when you cheated on Finn?"

Quinn knew Amy was bound to have questions. She didn't know if she wanted to answer them but for once someone was willing to listen.

"Yeah. He wouldn't stop talking about her. She was his new favourite topic of conversation. Every time I saw him he was staring at her, like she was what he could have won. It hurt, to be relegated to second choice again. I was feeling more like Lucy every day. And then Puck was there and he looked at me like maybe I could matter. I got drunk and he kept telling me how beautiful I was and how Finn was an idiot if he couldn't see how much better I was than Rachel Berry. I needed to believe it. Because she was all the things I should have been and never could be. Because somehow she had become everything to Finn and I was nothing and the worst part was I got it. Why wouldn't he chose her if he could? I mean she's whiney and demanding and so damn self-centred but no matter what she never loses who she is, never lets people drag her down and all I've ever been is what other people thought of me. Rachel is talented and strong and proud in the face of everyone telling her she shouldn't be. She's beautiful and she doesn't even know it. But he did. I did. For a moment I needed to feel like I wasn't losing everything…I lost so much."

Quinn was starting to cry. Amy put her arm around her and pulled her close. She wanted to reassure her but she had no idea how.

"It's going to be OK."

"Is it?" Quinn was trying hard to hold back her tears but her voice cracked.

"Yes. You have people who love you."

"Who?" She finally looked at Amy, eyes brimming with tears.

"Me."

"You don't even know me."

"Yes I do. I know Lucy and the more I get to know Quinn the more I realise there's not much difference." Quinn tensed next to her, "As much as you might want there to be. Quinn is just Lucy being scared. And that's OK. But you don't have to be with me. You haven't lost everything."

"Just respect. I'm the scarlet woman of Lima, Ohio." Quinn scoffed.

"It's just one small town, there's a whole world out there."

"It's a small town I'm never getting out of. This is it for me. I'm not Rachel; I'm not destined for bigger and brighter things."

"You may not be this Rachel Berry girl, but you're Lucy Quinn Fabray and you're too big for such a small town."

Amy couldn't help but wonder how all this somehow seemed to revolve around this Rachel. Something in the way Quinn spoke about her seemed off. It wasn't jealousy. There seemed to be anger but there was something behind it, like she was proud of Rachel, in awe of her. She wondered if Quinn even noticed it. There was so much hurt there she wondered if her friend was able to see what was really fuelling it. Maybe it was because she had distance from the whole situation but it seemed to her that all this started because of whatever twisted relationship Quinn had with Rachel. It was like they communicated through the boys in their lives rather than just talking to each other. Quinn seemed to have some messed up idea that Rachel was some paragon of all things great and good, and it obviously scared the crap out of her. If there wasn't so much bitterness in the way Quinn spoke she would have thought the girl had a crush on her. For all she knew that wasn't such a farfetched idea.

"I'm not sure I believe that. But thanks for saying it anyway."

"Listen, I'm not going to judge you, that's not for me to do. You made a mistake, it happens. And it seems to me you've been paying for it for a while. So I want stand for any self-pity."

"Gee, thanks." Quinn rolled her eyes.

"I mean it. I don't think any less of you for one mistake." Quinn looked at her with a watery half smile, "I forgave you that time you dropped my Furby in the toilet didn't I?"

"Yeah."

"And if you ask me that was a much bigger deal."

She took the bottle back from Quinn, screwed the cap back on and pulled the girl up to her feet along with her.

"Come on. Let's get to bed. It's curfew soon and I believe we have crafts to look forward to in the morning. Plus I don't want to get caught with this." She gestured to the bottle, "not a good start to my return to Ohio."

Quinn looked at her and took a deep breath.

"Thank you."

"Any time you want to get your drink on again just ask." Amy smiled warmly.

"You sounded just like Santana then."

"Who?"

"I'll tell you later."

Amy pulled her into a hug and waited for Quinn to relax into it before she eventually let go.

"There are many more of those to come, so get used to it."

She grabbed Quinn's hand and they walked back to the cabin and got ready for bed, neither really speaking.

Quinn lay there in the darkness and wondered just how different her life would be if Amy had never moved away and how different things might become now that she was back.

"Night Amy, sleep well."

"Sweet dreams Lucy Q."

Quinn didn't correct her.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N glad people seem to be enjoying this. Also glad you don't seem to hate Amy. I usually don't like original characters but I thought if Quinn was really going to find a way to conflate her past and her present there needed to be someone from her past to help her. Anyway, on with more Quinn angst.**

Quinn woke up the next morning glad that she hadn't drunk enough the night before to have a hangover. She looked over to Amy's bed but found it already empty. It was a relief. She wasn't exactly sure she was ready to see her friend again. That's what she was now, again, kind of. People don't sit there spilling half their secrets to someone who isn't a friend. Or maybe they do. Rachel had always had the ability to coax things out of Quinn she'd never planned to reveal, and they most definitely weren't friends. But that wasn't the issue here. She'd said things last night she'd never planned on admitting to anyone, how was she supposed to sit at some crafts table with Amy knowing full well the girl would be looking at her with that mix of shame and pity everyone else did? Lying in bed wasn't doing much good though so she decided she might as well get up and shower, face the day with some patented Fabray stoicism.

When she got back from the shower Amy was in the room sitting on her bed reading a book.

"Hey. Sleep well?" Amy put down the book once she heard Quinn walk into the room.

"Yeah, pretty much. Where were you this morning?"

"Went for a walk. Woke up crazy early and thought it might be nice to explore. I've decided I miss the sea."

"Did you go to the beach a lot?" The conversation felt too normal and it had Quinn on edge, waiting for Amy to bring up their talk from yesterday.

"Pretty much every day, for Nathan. I don't think there is anywhere on my body I have not had sand stuck to."

Quinn wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that.

"Yes, that is exactly as uncomfortable as it sounds. Always remember, take a blanket." Amy smiled.

"I'll keep that in mind." Quinn walked to the dresser and pulled out a cardigan.

"So…"

Quinn squared herself, knowing full well what was coming.

"I'm hoping breakfast doesn't have the potential to be as gross as dinner. I mean they can't get cereal wrong, can they?" Amy spoke breezily.

She breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe Amy was going to do her a favour and take a leaf out of her book by pretending the conversation the night before hadn't happened at all.

"I think they'll try."

"Great. Might as well get it over with then."

Amy stood up and took Quinn by the arm as she always did and led them out of the cabin. They walked to the mess hall in silence, Quinn still feeling like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She felt like that throughout breakfast, trying to keep up with the light conversation Amy was engaging them in. They talked about California and cheerleading competitions, anything but the massive elephant in the room. Quinn didn't know if Amy was avoiding it on purpose because she didn't want to talk about it or because it simply didn't matter to her. She wanted to ask but was so scared of the answer she couldn't bring herself to do it. Like everything else she wanted to put it all in a box and bury it deep down so that no one would ever find it. If she just ignored it it would all go away. That had always worked so well before, right?

After breakfast they headed out to where a bunch of tables had been set up for crafts. It didn't entail much more than some art supplies and t-shirt paints. One of the councillors, an overly chipper girl called Faith, un-ironically, was flitting about trying to get kids to let out their artistic spirit. The girls sat in the corner of one table and Quinn started fiddling with a pencil. Amy picked up a plain white t-shirt and some paint.

"What do think they'd say if I wrote 'Satan's love child' on a t-shirt?"

"I'm pretty sure they'd be calling your parents before you ever got a chance to wear it."

"Probably. Guess I'll stick with 'God is love'"

Quinn tried not to scoff, wondering if anyone in this place every really followed through with that particular motto.

"You should draw something."

"Like I said, I haven't really drawn in ages."

"So? I bet you're still good. You're telling me you never draw at all."

"Sometimes, but not, like, for anyone to see, not really. I might, put some stuff online or whatever."

"Quinn?"

"Fine. I have, like, a Deviantart page."

"Seriously?"

"Don't laugh."

"I'm not. I'm just glad you're still doing it. What do you draw?"

"People mostly. At school. In the back of glee and stuff."

"You draw your glee club?"

"Sort of."

"Can I see?"

"I don't know. It's really lame. I'm not very good."

"Well I'd still like to see; maybe you can show me later. For now, draw me. I think this is my best side."

Amy turned to her left and pouted. Quinn laughed but she picked up a pencil anyway and started to sketch.

An hour or so passed and Quinn had become engrossed in her drawing. Smudging some edges she held it away from her and decided it was finally done. She tapped Amy on the shoulder who was busy putting the final touches to her shirt.

"I think it's done."

Quinn pushed the paper over to Amy and suddenly become fascinated by her own hands resting in her lap.

"Quinn, this is awesome. You've made me look totally hot. Can I keep it?"

"Really?" Quinn was a little incredulous.

"Yes!"

"OK, if you want."

"Will you show me you're other work?"

"I don't…"

"Come on, I bet it's all this good, even if the subject matter won't be half as gorgeous."

She nudged Quinn in the ribs and then stared at her until Quinn got her phone out, pulling up her deviantart account on her browser. Quinn handed the phone to Amy and went back to her fascinating cuticles.

"Wishing_on_a_star?"

"It's just a username, it doesn't mean anything."

"OK."

Amy started to look through the sketches. One of some girls in cheerleading uniforms, one of a guy in a letterman, a couple that featured the same group of people - she guessed the glee club. The last six were the same girl in different poses. Mostly just her face, sometimes laughing, sometimes looking off into the distance. The girl had large, almost Disney eyes and dark hair. Her face was drawn with such detail and care, like Quinn knew every inch of her by heart. Even from these sketches there was a lightness, a bright vibrating energy that the girl seemed to exude. She knew right away who it was. She put the phone back on the table and waited for Quinn to look up.

"Rachel?"

"I told you, they're not very…"

"They're really good Quinn, really good." She waited a moment before speaking again, "You draw her a lot."

"She's there a lot."

"Still…"

"Look, she's hard to ignore OK. She's always in your face trying to tell you what's best for you, trying to argue why her ideas are better than anyone else's, talking about how great she is, you can't get rid of her. And I've tried."

"Yeah?"

"Believe me I've tried. I've told her what an irritating dwarf she is, how just her presences pisses me off, I even got guys on the football team to slushie her, but she's still always there." Quinn was getting angry trying to defend herself.

"You did what?"

"It's what we do at school. She needs to know her place."

"I can't believe you of all people would do that! You're telling me you victimise her?"

"She brings it on herself. You haven't seen how she dresses, how she walks around like she doesn't give a damn, like she matters."

"And she doesn't?"

"She's a loser."

"Nice, Lucy, nice."

"You don't understand."

"You know what, I'm actually pretty sure I do understand, maybe more than you do. I just can't believe the girl I knew would do this."

"I told you already, I'm not the girl you knew." Quinn spat the words bitterly.

"I think I might actually believe you now."

Amy stood up and glared at Quinn before turning round and storming back to the cabin.

They didn't talk for the rest of the day. Amy went kayaking and Quinn spent the day reading, fending off councillors trying to get her to join in. As the day progressed Quinn's anger subsided. She didn't want to admit it, but Amy was right, the way she acted toward Rachel was exactly how people had treated Lucy. She knew why she did it. She was so scared of being Lucy again she pushed too far the other way. She found the first person who reminded her of who she used to be and she did exactly what had been done to her, she got in there first. She was going to be at the top for once and the only way to make that happen was to make sure someone else was at the bottom. It wasn't right; it was just how the world was. And she used to feel OK about it, because it wasn't really about her it was about how the system worked. But maybe it should have been about her and about how she used to feel every day when she would sit on her own at lunch. It wasn't like Rachel helped though, she brought it on herself. That's why it had always been so easy to pick on her. Rachel wasn't willing to conform, to do what was expected of her. If she'd just try to fit in like everyone else had to then people would leave her alone. She was so infuriating.

Amy didn't want to see Quinn; she couldn't bring herself to look at the girl her friend had become. She thought about her all day, about what it must have been like for her. She remembered the way Judy and Russell would talk her, constantly dismissive, constantly distant. She wanted to be angry with Quinn for giving in, for letting go of herself in favour of being accepted, but she understood it. She couldn't be angry at Quinn for trying so hard to be loved. Plus finally she realised how much more there was to it. Those sketches had brought everything into focus. Quinn was scared and she was lashing out. She was pushing so hard to get away from what she was feeling and she was pushing at the wrong people. She realised what Quinn really needed was someone to just listen. Someone who wouldn't tell her how she should be feeling and maybe somehow she'd be ready to admit how she really was feeling.

They didn't see each other again until after dinner. Quinn had taken her food back to the cabin and eaten in silence. She looked up when she heard the door open and when she saw it was Amy she got up to leave.

"You don't have to go."

"I don't want to have to talk again about what a disappointment I am. I've had enough people tell me that."

"I'm not going to lie. I am disappointed. But I get it. I'm sorry I stormed off."

"I'm sorry I yelled." Quinn let go of her passive aggressive tone.

"Look, things are difficult for you and I think maybe I get it. But I'm not going to push. If you want to talk to me I'll listen. I think I might turn in early though, I'm tired."

"OK." Quinn tried hard not to look as crestfallen as she felt. There went another friendship. What was it about her that people found so hard to love?

Amy walked through to the bedroom and got ready for bed. She needed Quinn to come to her; this had to be on her terms.

An hour or so later Quinn crept into the room. Amy was already asleep. She got ready and climbed into bed, staring up and the patterns of shadows on the ceiling and trying to calculate how many more hours there were before she could go home and try and get things back to normal. She was tired of crying all the time.

Amy was woken up by the sound of Quinn coming into the room. She pretended to be asleep but after at least an hour of Quinn tossing and turning she'd had enough. She reached up and turned on the lamp by her bed.

"Enough."

"Amy, I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but your restless ass woke me up."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologise, talk to me. Something's keeping you awake, tell me what it is."

"I don't know how."

"Right, come on."

Amy got out of bed and threw on a sweater she'd left on the chair nearby.

"Where are you going?"

"We're going back out to the lake. Some fresh air might help clear your mind and maybe help you sleep."

"It's late."

"So? You'd rather lie there all night staring at the ceiling?"

"No."

"Then come on."

Quinn reluctantly got up, put on some shoes and a cardigan and followed Amy out of the cabin. They got to the lake without speaking. Amy sat down on the jetty and patted the ground next to her, suggesting Quinn join her.

"You know when we were kids sometimes I did wonder if you were adopted, you were nothing like your family. But now you look more like a Fabray than your sister." She didn't look at Quinn as she spoke, just picked up pebbles and sticks from around her and threw them into the water, watching the ripples.

"I think my mom hoped for the same thing sometimes, that way she would have been able to send me back." Quinn sounded wistful.

"How does she feel about everything?"

"Ashamed, disappointed. Like she got what she wanted only to have it taken away. I've tried so hard to be the daughter she wanted but it's like the harder I try the more I fail. Every day I feel like I'm doing a worse and worse job of being Quinn Fabray."

"So maybe you stop being her for a while."

"Like that would help. She might be disappointed in Quinn but she never even looked at Lucy."

"What about your dad?"

"Gone"

Amy finally looked over at Quinn, the girl looked resigned, like everything in her life was to be expected.

"I'm sorry…"

"Another thing that Quinn Fabray ruined." Quinn laughed coldly.

"You haven't ruined anything."

"Try telling my mom that."

"Quinn…" Amy reached over and put her hand on Quinn's shoulder but it was shrugged off.

"I just don't want her to look at me that way again, like I'm everything that's wrong with her life. You should have seen her on prom night, so sure I was going to live up to my name, so sure I would finally be a daughter to be proud of. But I couldn't even manage a stupid crown. I couldn't be enough to stop him still wanting _her_ more. And she looked so damn happy, laughing on her stupid group date. And I didn't mean to hit her, you know? She just makes me so angry. And she wouldn't even fight back; she just tried to make me feel better. Why does she always have to be there when everything goes wrong?"

Quinn was starting to cry again and she finally let Amy move closer and put her arm around her.

"Are we talking about Rachel again?"

"Yes" Quinn spoke quietly, looking down at her lap.

"You hit her?" Amy tried to speak softly but she was angry at Quinn for becoming this girl.

"I couldn't watch Finn pine after her anymore. And then she told me I was the prettiest girl she knew but that I was more than that. Like she knew me or something, like she cared. Who does that? Who says that to someone who just slapped them? I just don't get her."

"Were you angry at her or Finn?"

"Her."

"Why?"

Quinn didn't speak for moment, trying to honestly work out why she'd been so angry at Rachel that night. She'd spent most of prom watching Rachel, watching her have the prom Quinn was supposed to have. Her anger had just built and losing the crown was the last straw.

"Because she wouldn't stop."

"But you said Finn was the one pining after her."

"Yeah, so?"

"So you were angry at her for what, looking beautiful at prom and having a good time?"

"Yes." She sounded like a six year old being told off.

"Quinn, why were you angry at her?"

Amy didn't want to push but she knew someone had to get through to Quinn, make her see what was right in front of her.

"Because she's selfish and loud and such a freaking nerd." Quinn's voice was bitter again as she tried to stop the flow of tears that kept coming.

"Quinn?"

"Because every time we talk I end up crying and she has no idea that she does that to me and I hate her for it. I hate how much she makes me feel and how oblivious she is to it."

"What does she make you feel?"

"Like maybe I could," her voice hitched, the anger leaving it replaced by something that sounded remarkably like fear, "…maybe I could be like that too, unafraid. Like if I let her she'd be there for me like no one has in so long."

"Quinn?"

They were finally getting somewhere; she really hoped Quinn wouldn't put her walls again.

"Like maybe if I could just," Quinn took a deep breath. She didn't know what she was saying anymore. Words were just pouring out of her, thoughts running over each other. No one had ever forced to her really think about her actions, no one had ever cared. "… If I could just hold her, kiss her, everything would be OK."

Quinn slumped into Amy's arms and cried like she'd never cried before. Amy held her, stroking her hair and telling her it would be alright.

After a while the tears subsided and Quinn pulled away, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan.

"I'm sorry."

"No apologies. Is that the first time…?"

"Yeah. I…I don't know what to say."

Amy tightened her hold around Quinn's shoulder in reassurance.

"You don't have to say anything. It doesn't matter to me. Is she…do you think you're…?"

Quinn took another deep breath. It was a question she'd asked herself but then run from before she'd ever allowed herself to answer. Because it couldn't be true. Except it was. It was.

"Yeah. I think so. She isn't…the first."

"OK. So you're gay. Big deal. I'd totally go gay for Megan Fox."

Amy forced Quinn to look at her and smiled. She wiped a stray tear away from Quinn's cheek with her thumb.

"That is such a clichéd answer." Quinn replied with a watery half-smile of her own.

"Well we haven't been hanging out long enough for me to tell you about that dream I once had about Emma Stone."

"I can't wait. I think I agree with that choice a little more than your first."

"Do I spot a little bit of Quinn Fabray popping out of her shell?" Amy laughed just a little, feeling the tension lift slightly.

"Did you mean it?" Quinn's tone was painfully sincere.

"About Emma Stone?"

"About it being OK?"

"Of course. Jesus, why would I care what gender does it for you, as long as you're happy."

"Not sure I'm there yet."

"You will be." Amy looked into Quinn's eyes as she spoke; she really needed Quinn to believe it was true. They were silent for a moment.

"This is all kind of your fault you know."

"How'd you work that out?"

"I had such a crazy crush on you when we were kids."

"That doesn't surprise me, this," Amy gestured to her body, "is hard to resist."

"It doesn't freak you out?"

"It was seven years ago. Even if you do still think I am super fine, it's not like you're going to jump me anything."

"No! I would never…" Quinn pulled away shaking her head vehemently.

"Exactly. It's not like I think every lesbian wants a piece of this. Although they should." She nudged Quinn and pulled her back into her arms.

"So modest."

"So do you?" Amy wiggled her eyebrows in jest.

"Not in the slightest. You've got way too conceited for me."

"Plus it sounds to me like you're too busy having your eye on someone else."

Neither of them spoke for a while.

"Is this why you're still so scared of disappointing Judy?"

"Could you imagine if she found out? I'd be carted off to some gay rehab in a heartbeat."

"You know not everyone thinks like her. You might not be her idea of the perfect Fabray but in times like these I always think WWGS"

"Huh?"

"What would Gaga say?"

"You're going to love Kurt."

"Gay fashion horse, right?"

"Right."

"It's hard to keep all these glee kids straight. Pun intended."

"Thanks." Quinn rolled her eyes. Amy sensed it and was glad things were starting to return to normal.

"Look you've had a rough ride; these last few years have been a bitch. But if nothing else I'm back now and we are totally going to sort your life out."

"I really think God hates me sometimes."

"Hey, none of that. He loves you. He can be a bastard, but he loves you."

"You can't say that!" Quinn's eyes went wide.

"Sure I can. In fact, come with me."

Amy ran to the edge of the lake and started taking her top off. Quinn started to follow but stopped when she saw what Amy was doing.

"Amy, what the heck!"

"Come on, live it a little."

"Are you…?"

"Skinny dipping, yes we are."

"But…"

"No buts except naked ones in this lake. Last one in is a chicken."

By this point Amy was almost naked. Quinn tried to avert her eyes but she had to admit, the girl was hot even if she wasn't attracted to her. She didn't know what came over her, whether it was the sound of Amy's elated laugh or the weight she was feeling lift off her from finally admitting the truth to someone, but somehow it seemed like there was no good reason in the world not join her friend. She got to the edge of the lake and shucked her clothes with lightning speed. She laughed as she ran into the water, undeterred by the freezing temperature. As soon as she was shoulder deep Amy lurched at her and forced her head under the water laughing as Quinn managed to fight back and dunk her just as hard. Amy turned onto her back and swam into the centre of the lake, beckoning for Quinn to follow. When they got there they started to tread water, facing each other. Quinn couldn't quite believe that she'd just admitted to her friend that she was gay but Amy still had no qualms about being naked in front of her. She had been sure the revelation would have made her uncomfortable. She felt free, like for once she could just be.

"So I want you to shout after me, OK?"

Quinn just nodded. Amy titled her head back and shouted so loud Quinn was sure the whole camp would be able to hear.

"God is a bastard!"

"Amy!"

"Your turn. Come on, you'll feel better. I'll say it with you."

Quinn took a deep breath and went for it.

"God is a bastard!" They shouted in unison, laughing equally loud afterwards.

"Come on, I know you've got more in you."

Quinn shouted again and again, letting all her frustration and anger out. It wasn't that she hated God, she just hated her situation. But somehow, in the middle of this lake, at Christian camp, naked with a friend she thought she'd never see again and shouting at the top of her lungs she felt free. And like maybe it was time she found out just who Lucy Quinn Fabray was.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N as always, thanks to those reviewing and subscribing. I don't really get a chance to reply but it's nice to know what people think. Anyway, on with chapter 4.**

When Quinn first woke the next morning she felt light, refreshed. She opened her eyes slowly, stretching her arms above her head, a gentle smile on her face. She turned over and saw Amy in the bed across from her and it all came back; the crying, the shouting, the confession. Her stomach rolled and she felt a cold shiver run over her. What had she done? The things she'd told Amy she'd never even admitted to herself before, not really. Her relationship with Rachel was something she kept buried deep beneath layers of fear and bitterness. Whenever the feelings did rear their head she would push them back down by lashing out, anything to make them go away. But somehow a few days with Amy and she was a crying mess confessing what? Attraction, a crush, love? She'd never allowed herself to think about it long enough to gauge what it really was, what it could be. It was just wrong and impossible. Could those two things work together? Now with these thoughts unbidden and rolling around in her head she realised how opposing they were. Wrong suggested it should never be, that whatever it was she felt for Rachel was improper. But impossible that suggested that somehow, subconsciously, it was something she wanted but thought she could never have. It was the scariest thought she'd ever had. Closing her eyes she tried to bite back the feeling that she was going to throw up. Throwing off the covers she quickly made her way to the bathroom and sank to her knees in front of the toilet and started to dry heave. She could feel tears running down her cheeks as she leant over the bowl. She didn't even notice Amy come into the bathroom but she soon felt a soothing hand on her back and quiet reassuring whispers in her ear.

"Shh, it's OK, you're OK."

Quinn finally leant back and Amy wrapped her in her arms, trying to hold her despite the shaking sobs Quinn couldn't seem to stop.

"Come on, come here, everything's going to be OK, I promise." Amy continued to whisper gently into to Quinn's ear until the crying finally subsided.

Quinn started to feel like she could breathe again and realized where she was. She shrugged Amy arms away and tried to escape the bathroom.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?"

"Look, I don't know what you think is going on or what you think you know about me, but just forget it all right. Forget everything that happened yesterday, I was in a weird place and some of what I said might have been easy to misinterpret."

Amy stood and grabbed Quinn by the wrist, forcing her to look at her.

"I didn't misinterpret anything Quinn. You came out to me. And that might be so scary that it's got you praying to the porcelain God at 6am, but it doesn't change anything. I'm not going to forget what happened and I'm not going anywhere."

"Amy, seriously…"

"No. It's time you listen little miss L Q Fabray. I'm not taking any of your scared shit anymore. So you're gay, so fucking what? So are thousands of other people. You're not special Quinn, you're not different. You like girls, so does my brother and I still talk to him. I get that it must be fucking terrifying for you but what do I have to do to make you see that I'm here for you? Maybe I don't really know this Quinn version of you but I knew Lucy and Lucy trusted me. So grow some balls because I'm pretty sure Quinn isn't a coward."

By the time Amy was finished she was squared up to Quinn and shouting in her face. Instantly Quinn's high school façade had descended, her jaw tightening.

"Shows how much you know! Quinn is nothing but a coward, and you know why? Because she can't lose again. She already lost so much and she can't pick herself up from the bottom another time. You know why I'm scared? Because saying it to you makes it real and I won't be able to deny it to myself anymore. So I'll have to lie. Do you know what happens with lies? They get out, they get out and they destroy everything. Know what happened last time I lied, I had to work out how long I might be able to live in my car or if my dad would take that too?"

"What?" Amy searched Quinn's eyes, trying to grasp what she was saying.

"Perfect citizens Judy and Russell Fabray decided a homeless daughter they could deny was better than a pregnant one they would have to admit to." Quinn couldn't stop the tears returning. She tried to look away but Amy held her gaze.

"Quinn…"

"I can't give my mom another reason to turn her back on me. I can't be something she would happily let rot in a gutter. She took me back last time, I can't let her down again, I can't be something she would hate. I've been trying so hard! I've been walking on eggshells for months to make sure I at least had a roof over my head. For fuck's sake Amy, I cut my hair and she sent me here! What do you think she'll do when she finds out her daughter is a filthy dyke!" Quinn spat the last word, her voice filled with anger and fear.

Amy felt her rage build.

"Hey! You will not use that word! I don't care how damn scared you are you will not use that word and you will not talk about yourself like that."

Amy watched Quinn deflate in front of her, her voice grow small.

"Why not, it's true?"

Amy pulled Quinn closer and put her hands either side of her friend's face, forcing her to make eye contact.

"No it isn't. You're not wrong, or dirty, you're just you. Sad, scared, lonely you. I wish I'd never left, if I'd known, if I'd…"

"What? You'd have saved me?" Quinn sounded bitter.

"I'd have been there for you. I'd have told you that you matter, that you're loved. I can't believe they'd do that, you were pregnant, anything could have happened."

"Maybe that's what they were hoping for."

"Quinn don't, don't ever…"

She pulled Quinn into a hug, holding her until her friend finally went limp and rested her weight upon her. She'd had no idea. She thought it was just Quinn being scared because of the way she'd been brought up. She had no idea the girl had legitimate reasons to think she wouldn't be accepted, that it could change her life that drastically. Amy wondered how different all this would be if she'd never moved away. She'd be holding Lucy right now. Maybe she wouldn't be having to hold her at all. Perhaps if she'd stayed she could have helped Lucy grow strong and confident, help Lucy come into her own. Maybe by now they'd be going on double dates, her and some guy, Lucy and some girl. She knew it wasn't her fault but still the feeling of guilt lingered. She should have tried to keep in touch. But they'd been kids and life changed so quickly at that age.

"I can't live on what ifs anymore, Amy, I tried that. I spent night after night praying that I wasn't really pregnant, praying that these feelings that kept coming back would just go away, praying that my parents would love me enough. It didn't work. You can't change what's happened you just have to live with it. And if you can't, you hide it away and maybe one day it'll just be gone."

Amy pulled away and looked at Quinn, wiping a tear from her friend's cheek.

"You can't hide forever. Look at you, it's killing you."

"I've coped so far."

"I don't want you to just cope."

"It's sweet that you think I have a choice."

Quinn finally pulled away and walked back into the bedroom.

They didn't talk for a while. They just lay on Quinn's bed staring at the ceiling, neither really knowing what to say, if there even was anything to say. Finally Amy took a deep breath and just started.

"You know what? You've had some seriously shitty stuff happen to you. But you're stronger than you think you are. You're not going to get past any of this until you start being honest with yourself. So I'm not going to pull any punches. I'm not going to coddle you Quinn or tell you none of this is your fault because you know where fault lies and you know that you've made mistakes too."

"So?"

"So tell me what happened with this Puck. You said he made you feel less like Lucy but if this is something you've been wrestling with for a while then what the hell happened?"

Quinn continued to stare at the ceiling rather than the friend to her right who was staring holes into her.

"Lucy had always been the black sheep, you know that. She didn't look like anyone else in her family, she didn't act like them, didn't like what they liked. Lucy was braces and glasses and puppy fat. But when I started being Quinn, well she was a Fabray. And then I started feeling things I knew I shouldn't, things I kind of remembered Lucy feeling. They were meant to be gone with Lucy because those feelings certainly didn't belong to Quinn. But they wouldn't go away. I would close my eyes and there she was, Rachel Freakin' Berry. She'd walk into a room and my heart would race, my palms would sweat just being near her. It was wrong. I was Quinn and Quinn liked boys. So yeah, he told me I was beautiful and that Finn was an idiot if he preferred Rachel over me. But really I was just proving something; I was proving I was normal, straight, Quinn Fabray. If I wasn't a Christian I'd say Karma was a bitch."

"You've got issues girl."

"Understatement of the century." Quinn let out a sad chuckle.

They lay there for a while longer, Amy not sure what Quinn needed to hear.

"It's nearly breakfast. We should get ready." Quinn started to get up but Amy grabbed her arm and pulled her back. Quinn rested on her side facing Amy; the blonde looked like the epitome of sad resignation.

"Things are going to change now." Amy said with determination.

"Yeah? How's that?"

"You're not alone now. You don't have to be scared of having nowhere to go. I don't know what's wrong with those glee club kids…"

"It wasn't them, I was a bitch, I pushed them away. Mercedes was good, she took me in."

"Still, you're obviously all over the place and it doesn't seem like any of them actually give a crap. But I do. So it stops now. No more trying to be what you think Judy wants. No more living in denial to the point where it makes you sick. No more hating yourself."

"You make it sound like it's really that easy."

"It is because you will always have me. This," She squeezed Quinn's hand, "This isn't going anywhere."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. She doesn't like who you really are then you can come live with me, my folks have always loved you."

"So what? I go home and be all, 'hey guess what mom? I like girls'?"

"I'm not saying you have to come out right now, but you have to stop doing everything for her. Be you. Listen to music you want to listen to, dress how you want. Be a teenager and stop feeling like you have to be a perfect copy of Judy Fabray. One of those is enough."

"Amy…"

"I mean it. When we get back you're not taking any more of her shit. She either forgives you for everything that happened and wants to actually be a decent mother to you or she doesn't. No more half measures. If it all goes wrong there is a spare room with your name on it. Unconditionally. For real, not like your mom."

"Really?" Quinn almost sounded like she believed it.

"Really. Well there is one condition."

Quinn looked down, knowing something was coming.

"I can't live with you if you've never watched Battlestar Galactica, cos that's an unforgiveable sin."

Quinn let out a breathy laugh; trust Amy to diffuse the tension with a crappy joke.

"You don't have to worry on that front."

"Bet Russ didn't approve of that one."

"He never knew."

"Secret geek, huh?"

"Something like that."

They finally made eye contact and Amy could see Quinn was blushing a little.

"Oh my god, you totally had a thing for Starbuck!"

"Amy!" She swatted at Amy's arm is mock disgust.

"No, you did, didn't you? I mean I get it, even I would have gone there."

"Fine, I guess I had a thing for her." Quinn huffed.

"Cigars and kicking ass, huh? Did not see that as your type. Can't wait to meet this Rachel."

Quinn went white.

"What? What did I say?" Amy looked worried.

"I just realised you described Santana and now I think I might throw up again."

* * *

><p>The last three days of camp were spent with Amy trying to keep Quinn's spirits high and not let her think about what was going to happen when she got home. Amy spent most of her time reading and doing a few sports. Quinn was finally getting back into her drawing. With a weight slowly lifting from her shoulders she found her work didn't contain the same amount of rage and sadness it used to. They still got the stink eye from half the kids and sympathetic smiles from most of the others but Amy really didn't seem to care and Quinn was so used to it by now she didn't even notice. Though one sermon, on the second to last night, that was a thinly veiled dig at the ease with which Quinn supposedly gave into to sin did have her crying. But Amy just reminded her that dude was a youth pastor and probably just jealous that she'd gotten more action at 16 than he ever had. That made her laugh despite herself.<p>

It was the last night before they all headed back home; Amy and Quinn were both lying on their beds in their room reading. Quinn rested her book on her chest and looked over at Amy.

"I'm sorry I've been so crazy. I feel like you're my therapist, this can't have been fun for you."

Amy looked over.

"You're my friend, it's fine. I just want you to be OK"

"Still, when we get back I'm going to try and be less of a mess."

Amy put on a terrible fake valley girl accent.

"You mean we can have fun and talk about boys?"

"Funny. Seriously though. I need to lighten up. All this soul searching is tiring. Maybe when we get back we could just watch some movies sometimes. Maybe go to a party or two."

"I guess. I mean, I've heard of this fun but I thought Quinn Fabray was a hardnosed bitch with a stick up her ass who never laughed."

"She was. But maybe she doesn't have to be."

"OK. But I'm not entirely sure it's possible to have fun in Lima, Ohio."

"Me either."

* * *

><p>The bus ride back to Lima the next morning was pretty quiet. Amy could tell Quinn was anxious and she didn't want to push it. As much as she knew Quinn had to start making a stand for herself she didn't want to push it too hard.<p>

The sign said 50 more miles to Lima and Quinn could feel her pulse start to quicken. She wasn't ready. She couldn't start senior year as a new person. She'd tried that last year and how long had it taken before she was in a sham relationship with Sam? She was no good at fresh starts. Even with Amy there to help her she just knew she would revert to her old self and start insulting Rachel and scowling in the back of glee before the week was up. She felt like all she was doing was adding someone else to the list of people she was bound to let down. She curled into herself and watched the world go past outside the window. Each mile was just taking her back to Quinn Fabray.

They pulled up in the parking lot outside the church and kids started to pile off the bus. Quinn could see her mom's car waiting. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She opened them again when she felt Amy's hand on her shoulder.

"Ready slugger?"

"No."

"That's ok. Feel the fear and do it anyway, that's the saying, right?"

"It's not one I've ever put much stock in."

"First time for everything"

"Is that my new catchphrase?"

"Sure, why not. Now get your ass in gear and get off this bus. I don't think living in a church parking lot is quite what I had in mind."

Quinn stood and hefted her bag onto her shoulder. Now or never, right? Never was starting to look more and more appealing.

She walked down the gangway of the bus, steeled herself and finally stepped off it and walked toward her mother's car. Judy waved at her with a smile filled with hope. She knew exactly what her mom was hoping for, that Quinn would come back fixed. That she'd now be the Quinn that she'd always wanted her to be. Quinn walked slowly wanting that look to last as long as possible. Because Quinn knew that very soon it would be gone forever and Judy would never look at her that way again. It didn't matter that how she was living was already making her hurt, disappointing her mom again was still going to be painful. Maybe Judy should be a better mother, but that didn't make her feel like any less of a bad daughter. Just before she reached the car she looked over at Amy who was already being hugged by her parents. Amy gave her a smile over her mom's shoulder. Quinn smiled back and then turned back to the car, opened the door and got in.

"Quinnie, it's so good to have you back. How was camp?"

"It was good mom, I learnt a lot."

"I can't wait to hear all about it."

"We'll talk when we get home. The drive back made me kinda tired. Maybe I could just take a nap and then we can talk."

"Of course. I've missed you."

Quinn tried really hard to believe her.

* * *

><p>They listened to Christian talk radio on the drive back but Quinn tuned it out. Instead she went over what she was actually going to tell her mom. There was no way she coming out but she had to tell her mom that things were going to change. When they got back Quinn took her bag straight up to her room and lay on her bed. She wasn't really tired, but she needed more time to collect herself. It was early afternoon, she watched a breeze rustle the leaves on the tree outside her window and wondered how many afternoons she'd sat and watched that tree. Through Springs and Falls she'd stared at it, as if the branches would one day elicit answers to questions she'd always been too afraid to ask. Finally she realised it was time. She couldn't put this off forever.<p>

She walked downstairs and found her mother sitting in the living room reading a magazine. Quinn sat down opposite her and waited for her mother to look up.

"Did you have a good nap Quinnie?"

"Yes thanks, mom. Can we talk?"

"If you'd like. What do you want to talk about?"

Quinn stared at her hands resting in her lap, always the perfect illustration of deportment.

"I thought a lot while I was away."

"I'm glad. I knew that place would be good for you." Judy's voice was bright and airy.

"It was. But not how you think. Do you remember Amy Clarke?"

Quinn finally looked up at her mother.

"You're friend who moved away?"

"Yeah, that's her. Well she's back and she was at camp too."

"Oh?" There was a slight hitch in Judy's voice.

"Yeah. She helped me see some things clearer. She reminded me who I used to be."

"Quinn…"

"Let me finish. Seeing her made me think about everything that's happened. She made me realise how unhappy I am"

"We fixed all that Quinn." Her tone was clipped.

"No. We hid it. We papered over the cracks but the cracks are still there. I've tried so hard to please you, to make up for letting you down. But it's never enough, is it mom? You're never proud of me. I know I'm not the daughter you wanted."

Quinn was forceful, trying not to let the tremor she felt in her voice take over. Judy, meanwhile, was as unreadable as ever.

"Now…"

"Don't pretend mom. Since I came back you've hardly spoken to me. The only time you really talked to me was when I was running for prom queen and that's because you thought I was going to follow in your footsteps. But I can't be you mom. I've tried and I can't. I have to start trying to be me. And you probably won't like me but I have to try and you have to try to be OK with that. Because so far you've really sucked at being my mom."

Judy's demeanour changed and Quinn could tell she was angry.

"Now Quinn, I won't have you speak to me like that. I knew I shouldn't let you spend all that time with that Santana girl, she's obviously been a bad influence. You can tell by looking at her. And Amy seems even worse. I'm going to have to start keeping an eye on who you spend time with. This is not the Quinn I know speaking."

Quinn felt the tears spilling out of her eyes but she didn't wipe them away.

"No it's not! Because there's no such person. It's no one's influence, this is me for once. I need to find out who I am and stop being who you want me to be."

"Stop this nonsense Quinnie."

"Don't call me that! Why is this always about someone else? Santana's influence, Puck's fault, what about me? What if it's just me and I'm not what you want?"

Judy tried to maintain a cold and proper tone despite her daughter's outburst.

"I don't believe that Quinn, you've always been easily swayed by others."

"You're right, and it's mostly you. This isn't my friends talking, this is me! I need to change and either you're there for me like a mother should be or you're not."

Judy stood up, looking down at her daughter's tear-stained face.

"I think we should stop this conversation now. You're obviously not being rational and I think both of us would be better off waiting until you've calmed down."

"I'm not going to calm down mom. I'm done with all this. I'm done being the girl you want me to be."

"Ever since you came back from New York with that haircut…" Judy waved her hand at Quinn's hair.

"You think this is about a haircut? Oh mom, you really have no idea." Quinn was beyond angry now, "I've got to go. I'll be back for dinner."

She turned and walked out of the room before her mom could say anything else, her hand already on her phone dialling Amy. She walked out of the house and got in her car.

"Amy. Can you meet me downtown? I need to show my mom what a real haircut is."

* * *

><p>Amy was waiting for Quinn outside of the changing rooms in a store called Wicked Punk.<p>

"You certain you want to go this far, I'm pretty sure the hair will give her a heart attack as it is?" Amy called through the curtain as Quinn tried on another outfit.

"If I'm going to have a new look I'm going all out. Maybe this is the new and improved Quinn Fabray."

"I applaud the guts on display here but do you want to antagonise her this much straight away?"

"You were the one who told me not take any more of her shit."

"I meant don't let her put you down. Take an art class or something, not channel Joan Jett."

"She had black hair."

"You get what I mean."

"I do. But screw her. I want to try something new. It's time a rebelled and I've got a lot of pent up rebellion. So maybe this new look won't stick but if I can't experiment now when can I?"

"I'm all for experimentation. As long as you know what you're doing."

"I do. Now what do you think?"

Quinn asked as she walked out of the changing room in fishnet tights, a short purple crushed velvet skirt, and a shirt with skulls on it. Her freshly dyed pink hair the perfect contrast to her new wardrobe.

"I think Judy's gonna shit a brick."

"Perfect."

* * *

><p>Quinn walked into her house glad that Judy wasn't waiting by the door for her. She'd started to feel the fear. Was she being childish? Damn it she was a child and if Judy didn't want to be a mother then that was her problem. She walked into the kitchen and called out to her mom as nonchalantly as she could manage.<p>

"Hey mom, how do you feel about pizza for dinner?"

She heard the door of the den close and her mom start to walk towards the kitchen as she replied.

"Quinnie, we never eat pi…"

Her words stopped and her jaw hung open at the sight of her daughter.

"Well, I think it's time we started. Like the new look mom?"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Thanks to everyone subscribing/reviewing and reading. The plan is for this to be 9 chapters and to be finished before the new season starts. At least that's the plan.**

Judy didn't say a word throughout dinner, eating just one slice of pizza as she'd eyed Quinn gingerly from the other side of the table. Quinn did her best to ignore her. She ate her half of the pizza and leisurely thumbed through a magazine as she ate. If her mom wasn't going to talk to her there was no need for both of them to sit through dinner in awkward silence staring at each other. When she was done she took both her and her mom's plate through to the kitchen and then went back into the dining room to get her magazine.

"I'm heading to bed mom; I'll see you in the morning."

Quinn didn't wait for a reply, just headed upstairs and into her room. She'd expected a lecture, or at least to be yelled at for a while. She hadn't expected to turn her mom into a mute. She wanted a fight though, she wanted her mom mad, at least then she might feel like the woman cared at least a little. This nothing, it just felt empty. She felt like her mom had been waiting for one more nail in the coffin of her perfect Quinn. It made her mad. Why couldn't the woman just say what she was thinking?

She plugged her ipod into the dock on her desk and found a playlist Puck had made her two years ago called 'Baby Badass'. He'd asked her to play the songs to the fetus in the hopes the kid would have more chance turning out like him. Of course she'd refused, doing that would have meant she'd have to admit that the baby would be in any way connected to either of them once it born. But now seemed like the perfect time to crank a little badass music. She clicked shuffle and turned up the volume as high as it would go. Twenty minutes later and she was actually starting to enjoy a little AC/DC. She clicked back to the beginning of 'If You Want Blood' and started singing along to the lyrics she'd picked up on the first listen.

_"It's animal, livin' in a human zoo_  
><em>animal, the shit that they toss to you<em>  
><em>feelin' like a Christian, locked in a cage<em>  
><em>thrown to the lions, on a seconds rage"<em>

She jumped around her room as she sang, letting go. She imagined Amy would be proud. The next song was a quieter one, something by some band called Skunk Anansie, so she decided to call it a night. Maybe her mom would have something to say to her in the morning.

* * *

><p>When she headed down to breakfast, her shirt emblazoned with the phrase 'Hell is so hot right now' all her mom asked is if that's what she was wearing to school. When Quinn confirmed that it was her mother resumed reading the paper and didn't look up when Quinn said goodbye.<p>

Quinn got in her car in more of a rage than she'd been the day before. What would it take for her mom to take notice, to do something? Not just look at her with sad eyes or harshly tell her that coasters were not an option in this house, but actually talk to her, acknowledge the change in her? She pushed it to the back of her mind as she started driving to Amy's house. Then it dawned on her, what going back to school meant. Somehow she had managed to compartmentalise so well that she'd forgotten exactly what this day was going to entail. Not only would the new Quinn Fabray be walking down the halls of McKinley, to quite a few stares she had no doubt, but she would be confronted with the rest of the glee club. She had no idea what they'd make of her new look. Not that they'd really been paying that much attention to her at the end of last year, most of them had had their own drama to deal with. But then that was high school all over really. Still, this would probably get them talking to her, or at least about her. Then of course there was Rachel. She'd never really considered what it would be like to be near her now that she'd finally admitted, to herself more than anything, that her feelings went far beyond platonic. Before if thoughts of seeing Rachel crept into her mind she'd cling to residual feelings of anger and jealousy until the idea of even having to be in a room with her made Quinn want to punch something. She had no clue how she was going to deal with it now. Especially knowing that Rachel would be attached to Finn like a limpet. She worried that the second she saw them together her real feelings would be written all over her face. What if Rachel worked it out, damn, what if Santana did? There were too many thoughts going on in her head. She plugged her ipod into her car stereo and pressed play on Puck's playlist and turned it up, letting the heavy bass and beat drown out her thoughts, drumming along on the wheel as she drove.

When she pulled up outside Amy's new house her friend was already waiting outside for her. Amy jumped in the car and smiled a painfully knowing smile at Quinn.

"Sounds like someone's really embracing their new image?"

"I can't listen to…" She looked down at the ipod quickly, "The Foo Fighters if I want to?"

"Of course you can. I once had The Color and The Shape on repeat for a month, but you might want to make sure you can name the band before you start professing love for them."

"I actually really like this one; I like the bit where he just starts shouting."

"I don't know, I think I miss your Hanson phase." Amy said in a mock wistful tone.

"Hanson never screamed out their rage."

"Not that we know of, maybe it was in the outtakes to Penny and Me."

Quinn let out a loud and unrestrained laugh.

"I really hope so."

"At this rate I'm thinking we'll be starting a screamo band by the end of the semester."

"A what?" Quinn felt like Amy was speaking a foreign language.

"Don't worry. So you think you're ready to get back to the hallowed halls of William McKinley High?"

"No. I really don't."

"Well if you want I'll hold your hand. Maybe I'll call you 'baby' really loud on the way to homeroom and that way we just let all the cats out the bag at once."

"That's not even funny." Quinn's voice was cold and stern.

"It's a bit funny."

"No. Seriously though, I doubt people will do much more than stare."

"Even your friends?"

"Friends? I've heard of those…"

"I mean it. You think even those glee kids won't ask what's up with the new you?"

"Kurt will tell me I look a disgrace but give me points for trying, Santana will tell me she's still the hardcore bitch of the school even if I dress like a punk reject, Finn will gawp, Puck will try to fist bump me but still call me Baby Mama."

"And Rachel?"

Quinn balked a little at the name.

"Rachel. Rachel will ramble about how important it is for people in their late teens to feel comfortable and able to express themselves. She'll probably literally applaud me and then try to sing something from American Idiot in honour of my new look."

"That sounds sweet."

"Yeah, sweet."

"Quinn. You know you can't avoid seeing her, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Now that you've come to accept your feelings maybe you can start getting over her. You know, all that business about the first step being admitting you have a problem."

"Are you suggesting whatever I feel for Rachel is an addiction?"

"It sounds like you weren't far off behaving like an addict. But now you know where it comes from and you control things better. I mean it'll be hard to see her with Finn, I know, but at least you won't have to resort to physical violence anymore."

"It depends how much PDA I have to witness. Though I guess that's more likely to make me throw up than punch anyone. And if I was going to do that it would probably be Finn."

"After the funeral thing I guess you're allowed one shot at the boy. Anyway with this new look maybe you'll have all the hot bicurious girls of McKinley up in your business."

"Oh that's exactly what I need." Quinn exhaled loudly.

"I actually think it would be good for you, a little no strings fun."

"You have met me right? I might have a new look but I'm still me."

"And which you is that exactly, Quinn or Lucy?"

Quinn didn't reply.

"Precisely." Amy said firmly.

* * *

><p>Santana walked down the hall to her locker, wondering why she hadn't seen Quinn yet that morning. She hadn't heard a thing from the girl since she got back from bible-bashers camp. Then she noticed two girls at her friend's locker. One looked perfectly normal but the one with her back to her, the one rooting through Quinn's locker, looked like a freak. She was dressed all in black with bright pink hair; she seemed to be laughing about something. She didn't know who this random goth, or whatever, chick was but she wasn't going to let her steal shit from her friend. She marched over to them and put her hand on the girl's shoulder, spinning her round.<p>

"Listen, freak…" Her eyes went wide as she recognised the girl in front of her, "Q?"

"Hey San."

"What the hell, Q?"

"It's my new look, like it?"

Santana just stared at her.

"This is my friend Amy." Quinn gestured to her friend who gave a small wave.

"Hey." Santana nodded at the other girl dismissively and then pulled Quinn to one side.

"I know it's different, but…"

Santana butted in before Quinn could finish.

"Different? You look like…I don't know what you look like."

"I'm trying something new."

"I know you've been kind of fucked up recently, but this is crazy."

"I needed a change."

"One hell of a change. Were you laughing?"

"Yeah."

"I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh."

"I told you, I needed a change."

"Right."

"Listen, I've got to get to class. But you should come over later. Me and Amy are having a Gilmore Girls marathon."

"Seriously, Q, what the hell happened at camp?"

"Would it be too cheesy to say maybe I found myself?"

"At a No Doubt concert in the late 90s? And yes it would. You know who you are, you're Quinn Fuckin' Fabray."

"Am I?"

"This is more existential crap than I can deal with on a Monday morning."

Quinn put her hand on her friend's shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze.

"Come over tonight. We'll hang out and you can get all the insults about my new look out of your system. Then we'll watch Gilmore Girls and you can pretend you're not totally hot for Lauren Graham."

"I…"

"New me, San, new me."

With that Quinn gave a quick smile and then turned and walked in the direction of her first period class. Santana stood there stunned not sure exactly what to make of new Quinn but with an inkling it was quite possibly an improvement.

* * *

><p>At lunch Amy sat Quinn down for a debrief.<p>

"So how's the day been so far?"

"Not bad. I saw Mike in math and he just asked whether I'd had a good summer and pretended nothing had changed."

"Harsh."

"No, he's just polite. Then I didn't have classes with anyone else until last period which was English."

"Ah, Rachel. So?"

"So. I sat at the back, she got there after me. I waved, she took a while to realise it was me, finally picked her jaw up off the floor and waved back."

"That was it? You waved? Quinn, how the hell is anything going to change if all you do is wave at her?"

"You don't get it. I waved. I initiated it. If Santana was here she'd explain. I don't wave."

"Right. And what the hell was that with you and Santana this morning?"

"That was her reminding me that we're meant to be friends even if we don't, you know, ever really talk."

"Marking her territory?"

"Something like that. So how's your first day going?"

"Fine, nothing much to report. When shall I come over to casa del Fabray?"

"I've got glee this afternoon, so, six?"

"Cool. Man I wish I could be a fly on the wall of your choir room."

"Join glee then."

"Can't hold a tune in a bucket, sweetie. But you have to tell me everything. _Everything_."

"OK, I'll give you the blow by blow. Though mostly it'll be Rachel telling us how we have to start prepping for competition straight away and Mr. Schue trying to get us to work to some lame theme."

"But Rachel though?"

"Stop pushing it. She's with Finn. And even if she wasn't, we don't even talk. Not unless it's about him. How exactly do you expect us to segue from 'leave my man alone' to 'wanna hang out some time?'"

"By asking."

Quinn rolled her eyes and started picking at her lunch.

* * *

><p>Glee came around far quicker than she expected. Her encounter with Rachel in English had been easier than she thought, but that was probably due to the three rows of desks between them more than anything else. It didn't stop her staring though. She couldn't see much, just Rachel's foot that stuck out into the aisle slightly because of how her legs were crossed. Her penny loafer bobbed every now and then, she guessed when Rachel was particularly interested in what the teacher was saying. Which Quinn hadn't heard because for some reason staring was taking up all of her concentration. Rachel's stupid, slender, tights-clad ankle was taking up all of her brain function. It was ridiculous. Quinn didn't even notice class was over until the commotion of kids packing up their stuff broke her reverie. She couldn't believe that allowing her feelings to finally surface would have such a profound effect on her. Like her heart had suddenly been let out of jail, and like any recently freed prisoner all it wanted was to endlessly indulge in all the things it had been denied. Glee was going to be tough.<p>

Quinn walked in to the choir room and kept her eyes trained on the seat near the back that had somehow become hers. She walked past Mike and Tina, Mike smiling and Tina wide eyed, then Santana who shook her head. The only other person there was Brittany who started licking her lips for some reason. As more of them came in she kept her nose in a copy of Slaughter House 5 and tried not to look up as she heard the whispers. Finally Will arrived and called the club to order.

"Welcome back everyone to a new school year. I hope you all had a good summer."

"Looks like Quinn did," Puck called from the back as Lauren sniggered.

"Now Puck…" Will attempted to admonish the boy, to no avail.

"What, I'm not gonna sit here like the rest of you and pretend she's the same, right Santana?"

"I'm not even getting into this," Santana gave Puck a classic 'talk to the hand gesture'.

"I'm not usually one to agree with Puck, but I am rather fascinated by Quinn's sudden sartorial shift." Kurt looked over his shoulder at Quinn with raised eyebrows. She huffed and looked up at them all.

"Last year was kind of crappy for me," She pointedly looked at Finn who oddly was not sat next to Rachel, "so I decided to try changing things."

"I like it, Q, your hair looks like cotton candy."

"Um, thanks Britt. Anyway, no big story, just trying something out. None of you made this big of a deal when Kurt went all Larry the Cable Guy."

"I think that's enough for now guys, I'm sure we have more important things to discuss than Quinn's new look." Will tried to change the subject again.

"Actually Mr. Schue, if I might take the floor for a moment," Rachel asked, already standing next to him. There was an audible sigh from the group.

"Fine Rachel, but make it quick."

"I'll be as succinct as I can. Firstly, Quinn is right, we should be less judgemental of those of us trying to express themselves, no matter how jarring the change may be, is that not what this club is about after all?"

"Thanks Rachel." Quinn tried to sound sincere but she was pretty sure she still sounded sarcastic; she would have to work on that.

"Don't mention it. Secondly I feel it is my duty to inform you that Finn and I are no longer romantically involved."

"You mean we lost nationals for nothing, Berry I'm gonna…"

"Santana, I can only apologise so many times for the ill-conceived emotional outburst last year. I too feel the regret of getting so close to our goal. However, it wasn't all in vein. It gave Finn and I a chance to really get to grips with how we work best together, and we've decided it's as friends."

"You mean you wouldn't give it up to him?" Santana called out.

"Yeah, or he slept through that touring performance of Phantom that came to town?" Lauren suggested.

"Maybe she lectured him into a coma one too many times." Kurt offered.

"Guys, leave her alone. We both decided it was wrong."

"Thank you Finn. The floor is yours again Mr. Schue."

Quinn had no idea what really happened after that. All she could hear over and over again was that Rachel and Finn weren't together. The relationship he had dumped her for, at a funeral, hadn't even lasted the summer. It wasn't that she wanted him back, it was more the anger and hurt that she wasn't even thrown to one side for something that was going to last. Her relationship with Finn was worth less than a four week fling. Was she really that bad? Had she meant that little to him? He was meant to be the one that understood her, that maybe, out of all them, kind of knew her. He'd kept that picture of Lucy in his wallet hadn't he? Why was she so easy to dismiss? But she understood, she would have dumped her too for a chance to be with Rachel. Even a chance with her was better than anything Quinn had to offer.

The meeting finally came to a close and Santana walked over to her as she packed up her bag.

"So Frankenteen blew another relationship. Guess he'll be after you again soon."

"I'm done with that."

"Got your eye on some dude with a lip piercing and a bike?"

"Not exactly."

"So is the offer still there, for tonight?"

"Of course. Come on, you can follow me back to mine. We can rile up my mom by watching re-runs of Buffy 'til Amy arrives."

"I think season six's playing at the moment."

"Perfect."

* * *

><p>They were sat in Quinn's den, a fresh bowl of popcorn between them and 'Once More, With Feeling' on the TV. They'd been sitting in silence for a while, just watching but Quinn could tell Santana was desperate to say something.<p>

"Willow or Tara?" Quinn asked to break the tension.

Santana took a while to answer. She seemed uncomfortable.

"Um, neither, but I guess if I had to choose then Tara."

"That makes sense."

"Why?"

"I can't see you with a nerdy computer girl; you're more into the free-spirited type."

"I guess." Santana looked down at her hands.

"Sorry San, was that…?"

"No. It's cool. Gotta move on right? At least we're still friends. Anyway, now's not the time to talk about my sad-ass life, what is with you Riot Grrrl Barbie? And none of this 'I just wanted a change' bullshit."

"I did want a change. I need to try and make me happy, you know? You saw how I was in New York. I wasn't going to spend another year like that. But the look? I guess really it's just to piss my mom off. I want her to react, to actually see me. It's extreme, I know, but I had to do something. I'm 17 and the only time a really rebelled life kicked the crap out of me, Amy said I was due a do-over."

As if on cue the doorbell rang.

"And that will be her. I'll just be a sec."

Quinn got up to get the door and left Santana watching Willow serenade Tara. If Q could say fuck it to everything and start turning her life around maybe it was time Santana did too. It was senior year; perhaps she should stop caring about what everyone else thought as well, it couldn't be much worse than last year. She looked up as Quinn came into the room with the girl who seemed to magically fix all her problems in a week. She felt a pang of jealousy but then realised that apart from taking her to get a haircut she really hadn't tried to do much for Quinn at all. Maybe it was also time she became actual friends with this new bad-ass Q.

**A/N so obviously the song Quinn was listening to was 'If you want blood (you got it)' by AC/DC. And in the car she was rocking out to 'Monkey Wrench' by The Foo Fighters**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N this chapter took longer to get done than I thought as RL got in the way. But gaps between updates should be shorter from now on. Anyway, hope you enjoy.**

Quinn had got up to use the bathroom while Amy put the next disc in.

"So what is it with you guys?" Santana had never been one to pussyfoot around.

"What do you mean?"

"Q goes off to camp all morose and shit, depressed that her teen years have turned into some Lifetime movie cliché, and then she comes back like she spent the week with an L7 cover band. What the hell happened?"

"We talked." Amy replied matter-of-factly

"I've talked to her, she just cried and went off on how nobody loves her."

"And did you ever think to ask more, really find out what was up with her?"

"Q doesn't talk."

"Maybe you don't listen."

Santana started to glare.

"Hey, wait up girly. Since Freshman year I've spent half my life with her. Ok so maybe a lot of that was bitching and fighting, but I know her."

"I really don't think you do."

Santana moved closer on the couch, squaring up to Amy.

"What cos, you knew some fat pre-teen version of her you think you know who she is now, who she has to be to make it work in this crappy town?"

"I think I know who she is, not who she tries to be." Amy laughed to herself

"What's so funny?" Santana was pretty much seething now.

"If only the two of you actually talked to each other, I think you'd both be so much happier."

"What does that mean?"

"Look, it's not my place to fix your friendship or tell you what's going on with Quinn. But if you talk to her, really talk to her, I think she'll tell you."

"Whatever." Santana dismissed the girl with a wave of her hand. She wasn't going to be told how to talk to her own friend. She looked away, as if nothing Amy said was of any interest to her now.

"And I'm not here to steal your friend, or make you look bad, or call you out for eye-sexing that sophomore I saw you leering at today…"

"I…" Suddenly Santana turned back to look at her, she was speechless.

Amy spoke with a calm gentle tone.

"I don't care about how things are meant to be. I don't know you; I don't know your history. But I know Quinn, and she seems to want to keep you around as a friend. I'm new; I could do with all the friends I can get. So how about we just see if we can get along. You can start from scratch with me."

Santana just stared, entirely unable to respond.

"I'm not saying I'm gonna help you scam on innocent underclassmen, but I won't call you a perv for checking them out. At least not all the time."

Santana was still dumbstruck when Quinn walked back into the room.

"Hey guys, what have you been talking about?"

Amy looked up at Quinn as if the pair had just been discussing the weather.

"Not much. Me and Santana were just trying to find some things in common. So far we've come up with you."

"It's a start." Quinn smiled.

"Listen, Q, I gotta go, I just remembered something I have to…do, or whatever. I'll see you at school tomorrow." Santana sounded nervous and uncomfortable; Quinn couldn't quite work out why.

"OK, if you're sure. You OK S?"

"Yeah, cool. Laters."

Santana got up from the couch and picked up her bag as she rushed out the door. Quinn turned and gave Amy her iciest glare.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. I just told her that I didn't care about all that high school shit and she could just be herself with me. I told her I'd like to be her friend."

"Oh god," Quinn sighed with exasperation, "San does not take well to offers of friendship. She has this idea that she's this total badass. It's mostly front but she can't handle being called on it."

"I guessed that from the way she tried to look threatening when she asked exactly what I'd done to you at camp."

"I'm sorry."

"No. It's good that she cares, even if she's had a shitty way of showing it. Guess she just needed to feel threatened before she stepped up."

"That's always been her way." Quinn sighed.

"Anyway, let's get back to Stars Hollow and you can tell what went down in glee club today."

Quinn pressed play on the remote and tried to avoid Amy's eyes.

"Oh my god, something did happen! Did Rachel swoon at the new you, overcome by your punk attitude? Did she look all demurely at you while singing a ballad? That's what you guys do, right?"

"No, that is not what we do. At least not all the time. And she did not swoon. In fact apart from defending my right to express myself how I choose…"

"Which you said she'd do."

"Which I said she'd do, she didn't really seem to notice at all."

"Well damn. So what's with the avoidy eyes then?"

"I'm not avoidy…avoiding anything."

"Yes you are, what happened?"

Quinn looked at the floor and tried to make her voice sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Rachel told us that she and Finn broke up."

Amy's eyes lit up and she grinned from ear to ear.

"Oh that's perfect, that totally leaves room for you to make your move."

"My move? I don't have a move. I might be trying assert my place in the world but I'm not some hard core chick suddenly."

"And why not?"

"I thought this was about me trying to be more me, not just find another mask to hide behind?"

"I know, I was kidding. Kind of. I'm not saying you start talking back to teachers or setting fire to the school, but come on, make your mark. Rachel's single and you like her. What's stopping you?"

"What's stopping me? Let's list it shall we: She only just broke up with Finn, We've never had a conversation that lasted more than five minutes, she has pretty good reasons to think I hate her, she's _straight_."

"OK so I get you don't want to be some rebound fling, that's maybe valid. But the rest of those are all excuses."

"Huh?"

Amy turned so she was fully facing Quinn and put her hands on the girl's shoulders, forcing her to look her in the eye.

"You might not have had long chats into the night, but from what you've told me you've had some pretty substantial conversations. And as for thinking you hate her, maybe, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate you. She chased after you at prom didn't she?"

"Yeah"

"That's not what you do if you hate someone. As for being straight, well I'd bet anything she thinks the same thing about you. You won't know what you might get if you never try."

"Amy…"

"Talk to her. Have a normal, boring conversation. Not one about Finn or about the past just about each other. Find common ground. Maybe once you actually talk to her you won't even like her anyway."

"I'm not that luckily." Quinn exhaled loudly.

"Wow, nice way to talk about the girl you claim to be in love with."

"I never…"

"Give it up Quinn; you're apparently head over heels for the girl. Maybe because she's the only one who ever seemed to care, I don't know. But that's where you are, so let's work on not making that another thing to add to the list of shit that makes you so fucking sad all the time."

"You're a good friend."

"Damn straight."

They settled back into the sofa, Quinn resting her head on Amy shoulder, mulling over the most recent piece in a long list of advice her friend had now given her. Just before dinner Judy arrived home. The girls heard her come in and Quinn called from the den to let her mom know she was home. Shortly Judy appeared in the doorway and was surprised to find Quinn wasn't alone.

"Quinn, I see we have a guest."

"You remember Amy don't you mom?"

"Of course. Nice to see you again Amy."

"You too Mrs Fabray. How are you liking Quinn's new look, I think it's awesome?"

"It's definitely different. Quinn says you reconnected at church camp, are you still part of the youth group?"

"Yeah. It seemed like a good way to get to know people in town again."

"Well it's nice to see you take being part of a community seriously, I can't say the same for some of Quinn's other friends."

"Mom." Quinn's tone turned stern.

"Well. The last time I saw that Santana girl she was wearing something highly inappropriate and trying to persuade some poor man outside of the gas station to buy her alcohol."

"She's a teenager, mom, we all…"

"Are _you_ trying to defend underage drinking, young lady. I would have thought of all people you would understand the damage to your reputation that such behaviour can do."

Judy looked angrily at her daughter who held the gaze as best she could before looking away. Amy needed to break the tension in the room, for herself if nothing else.

"She seems like she's a really protective friend actually Mrs Fabray. Someone you'd want to have in your court."

"Hmmmm" Judy continued to look icily at her daughter.

"Anyway mom, Amy was just going so I'm gonna walk her to her car."

Quinn stood and finally the air in the room cleared, as if both mother and daughter knew it was a signal to move on and let whatever problems were between them continue to fester.

"OK, I'll get dinner started."

Quinn ushered Amy out of the den towards the front door.

"What was all that about?" Quinn asked Amy, obviously annoyed.

"I was trying to get your mom to stop being a judgemental bitch."

"It's gonna take more than defending Santana. Why were you doing that anyway?"

"I meant it. I know you two have had issues but as far as I can see you're both to blame. Santana seems pretty fierce when she wants to be."

"Yeah, I still have a chunk of hair that won't grow back to prove that." Quinn absentmindedly rubbed at the back of her head.

"I really should go anyway. See you at school tomorrow?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow Amy."

Quinn walked back into the house and found her mom in the kitchen. Judy continued to potter around in silence while Quinn watched; stealing a carrot her mom was about to chop and taking small bites out of it.

"I'm glad to see you've come home today without any more drastic changes."

"Mom."

"It's getting hard to keep up with you these days. I half expected to come home and find you covered in tattoos."

"Stop exaggerating. I dyed my hair, it'll wash out."

"I still have to be seen with you looking like that."

"Now I get it. That's what it's always been about. Not poor Quinn's reputation, not Lucy's self-esteem, no it was all about what people might say behind Judy Fabray's back. Well maybe I don't want to care what people say anymore. And maybe I want a mom who cares more about my happiness than small minded gossip."

By the time Quinn finished speaking her voice had risen to a shout and she was red in the face.

"Lucy Quinn Fabray!"

"Wow, the full name, when's the last time you used the L word mom? I thought she was dead to you?" The sarcasm permeated ever word Quinn spoke.

"Quinn…"

"Save it. I'm not hungry. I'll be in my room. At least there no one can see me, right?"

Quinn turned and stormed out of the room. Even while she silently cried she couldn't help but think Rachel would have been proud of her storm out.

* * *

><p>The next morning she got up and went to school early in order to avoid her mom. She wasn't in the mood for awkward silences and disapproving looks. She threw on a green slash neck top over a black wife beater and some skinny jeans. She was still trying to work out exactly how to work her new look.<p>

When she arrived at school a good hour before she usually would the last thing she expected was to see another car in the parking lot. Then she realised it was Rachel's and guessed the girl probably turned up early most days to get in extra rehearsal time. Deciding to heed Amy's advice she made her way to the choir room in the hopes of finding Rachel and maybe trying out this conversation thing. She found Rachel sat at the piano, riffling through sheet music. At first she didn't know if she should disturb her, Rachel looked really intense. But then Rachel always looked really intense. It was that passion that was one of the things that had made her notice Rachel. She took a deep breath and knocked on the open door as she walked in. Rachel looked up.

"Quinn, what a surprise. What finds you at school so early?"

"Avoiding my mom."

"oh?"

Quinn walked across the room so she was standing next to the piano bench only half turned toward Rachel. She leant on the piano with one hand, the other playing with the hem of her shirt. She tried really hard not to look as nervous as she felt. It was ridiculous; she'd spoken with Rachel hundreds of times before. But somehow it felt like she now had some ulterior motive, like now she had something to lose from this conversation.

"She's not really into the new me." Quinn shrugged, gesturing at herself.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure she'll come around."

"I'm not."

"Perhaps if you explained to her why you're going through this transformation she might be more receptive. It did seem rather sudden."

"I'm not sure she'd listen."

"Quinn, she's your mom."

"The mom who kicked me out."

Rachel looked down at her hands.

"Sorry. It's, like, 7:45 and I'm having some emotional conversation with you. It's like we only have two modes of talking, sniping or soul searching."

"I don't mind if you need to talk. People don't really come to me so it's nice."

"How about we start a little more upbeat. How was your night Rachel?"

Rachel looked up at her with a beaming smile, as if no one had ever asked her such a simple question. Quinn turned so that she was properly facing Rachel.

"Average. I did my homework, watched E for a while, practiced a few songs. Nothing exciting. You?"

"Argued with my mom and then stormed off to my room and stayed there all night. Pretty average for me too." Quinn half smiled.

"I'm sorry things are stressful at home."

"I'm used to it. It's better than when we were just ignoring each other. At least I think it is."

There was silence for a moment.

"Can I ask you something Quinn?"

"Shoot."

"What is this all in aid of?"

Quinn took a deep breath.

"In all honesty?"

"Of all the things we've done and said to each other Quinn, I'd like to think we've always been honest."

Quinn looked into Rachel's eyes before she started to speak.

"I want to be seen."

Rachel opened her mouth to say something.

"I know what you're going to say. And it's true, kids used to part for me as I walked down the halls. I was the Moses of McKinley High. But it wasn't me, not really. I need people to see the real me, my mom included. And maybe I'm not sure exactly who that is yet, but I know it's not who I was."

"So you've gone to the other extreme?"

"Yeah, I guess. I need to push some boundaries, get people to see I'm not all the things they thought I was. Amy says I need to make a mark."

"So what are you then, if you're not those things?"

"I guess we'll find out." Quinn couldn't help but smirk a little. As she did so Rachel looked down for a minute before looking back up at Quinn through her eyelashes.

"I look forward to it. And remind me to thank Amy."

"For what?" Quinn was confused.

"It's been more than a day since we got back to school and you haven't rolled your eyes at me once, I'm assuming that's her doing."

"Kind of. It's me too though."

They looked at each other again, eyes locked.

Rachel was about to reply when the bell went signalling the start of the school day.

"I must have lost track of time. I need to get to my locker before homeroom. It was nice talking to you though Quinn, perhaps we should make a habit of it. Especially as for once I don't have to now fix my mascara."

She stood up, brushing down her skirt. Quinn reached out and held her gently by the wrist.

"I'm sorry Rachel."

"Whatever for?"

"Everything?"

Rachel just nodded, her silence more acceptance than Quinn felt she had any right to expect. Quinn let go of her wrist and Rachel made her way to the door. Before she left she turned back and looked at Quinn.

"Quinn, you know you don't have to try this hard just to be seen."

Quinn looked at her not sure what to make of Rachel's statement.

"I always saw you." Rachel's voice was quiet but sincere.

"I didn't give you much of a choice; I was kind of in your face." Quinn tried to lighten a mood that had suddenly become leaden with something she couldn't quite name.

"That's not what I meant." Rachel looked at her feet for a moment, seeming to gather herself. When she looked up again she stared right into Quinn's eyes, "I like that colour by the way," she gestured at Quinn's top, "it matches your eyes."

With that she left, not waiting for Quinn's response. Quinn stood there, not sure what to make of the fact that apparently Rachel knew her well enough to know the colour of her eyes.

* * *

><p>Quinn sat in homeroom wondering how a conversation that had meant to be a nice easy chat had turned into whatever that had been that she shared with Rachel in the choir room. Would they never be able to just hang out? Could she really imagine herself having a relationship with someone if their every word was that intense? Maybe it was because they <em>didn't<em> have a relationship, though. There was some kind of connection between them and maybe the intensity between them was because they spent so little time together, like everything they needed to say always had to be condensed into these short moments. Maybe if they actually spent time together more often things would be more relaxed. She rubbed at her forehead, all this thinking was starting to give her a headache. Homeroom ended and she got ready to go to first period. Santana stopped her just as she got out the door.

"You look stressed, Q."

"A lot on my mind."

"Maybe you should see if Amy wants to talk about it." Santana's tone was cold.

Quinn took Santana's hand and forced her to look at her.

"I'm not trying to replace you. I just…I don't know how to be a different me around you yet, but I'm trying. I've always been Q with you and maybe that's not who I want to be anymore, but maybe that's who your friend is, you know?"

"And maybe I'm trying damn hard to be a different version of me too, ever think of that? Maybe I need someone like you've got, someone who's got my back."

"I'll always have your back, S, always. God, I wish I could just spend the day not thinking so damn hard."

"If I didn't think you'd say no like every other time I'd suggest we skip the rest of school and head to the park and get stoned."

"OK."

"What?" Santana's eyebrows shot up in shock. It was not the response she'd expected.

"OK. I've never tried before and right now all I really want is to stop worrying about everything all the time."

"Well fuck me, Q, looks like bible camp really did a number on you. Let's go."

* * *

><p>They headed out to Santana's car where she still had some pot in the glove compartment that her cousin had sold her. They drove out to the park listening to Jessie J, apparently Santana's current favourite album, and then parked up so she could roll them a couple of joints.<p>

Santana lit the first one and inhaled deeply to get it started. Slowly breathing the smoke out of her lungs she leant back and closed her eyes, passing the joint to Quinn. She noticed her friend's hesitancy.

"Just pull the smoke in, hold it for a while, and then breathe out. You'll probably cough a little the first time, but you'll get used to it. This shit isn't that harsh, just mellows you out."

Quinn did as she was told, feeling the hot smoke burn her throat a little. She pulled it into her lungs, trying as best she could to suppress a cough. Finally she pursed her lips and blew the smoke out, already feeling a lightness move into her brain, like her skull was suddenly made of marshmallow. It was nice, warm, relaxing. She passed the joint back to Santana.

They stayed like that for a while, passing the joint back and forth. Quinn stopped before Santana, not wanting to get past the mellow high she was now feeling. She closed her eyes and felt like she was slipping into her own body, as if everything just fitted. She wasn't Lucy or Quinn, she just was, and she couldn't stop the grin that was plastered on her face.

"So what's with you and this Amy chick?" Santana said, turning to face Quinn.

"She was my best friend when I was a kid, my only friend actually."

"Before Lima?"

"Yeah. Then she left and I had no friends. Then there was Quinn."

"And now?"

"Now I have no idea. Now I'm sat here with you in a smoke filled car wondering if chicken strips and Fruity Pebbles would be a good combination."

"Gross, Q, best cure for the munchies is burritos, or fries. Fries are always good. Fries dipped in chocolate milkshake."

"And you say I'm gross."

"Don't knock it til you've tried it, tubbers."

Quinn burst out laughing.

"You haven't called me that in forever. It sounds kinda sweet now."

The song they had been listening to finished and 'Do it Like a Dude' started playing.

"I love this song!" Quinn started dancing in her seat and singing along.

"Well whoever you are these days I think I like her" Santana said before she joined in.

An hour later they had gone through the most explicit songs Santana could find on her iPod and she had promised to make Quinn a playlist of all the ones she liked. To piss off Judy if nothing else.

"So I get the sudden need to change shit after the crappy year we had last year, but I have to know, what is with the hair?" Santana pulled at the ends of Quinn's short, pink locks.

"I needed something more drastic than a few inches off the bottom, plus mom tried to tell me that the haircut was somehow causing my out of character behaviour and that you were to blame."

"Seriously? It wasn't much more than a trim. The stick is so far up her ass I'm surprised she can't taste it."

Quinn laughed.

"It's good to hear you laugh, Q. Neither of us had a good junior year, maybe this can be our year. Quinn and Santana: Senior year of not giving a shit."

"I like the sound of that."

"Maybe if she stops reaming me out about treating you better every five minutes we can even let Amy hang sometimes."

"I'd like that. I want you two to be friends."

"I guess she's kinda hot."

"Yeah. I had such a crush on her when I was a kid."

Quinn's eyes went wide as she suddenly realised what she said out loud.

"No need to look so fucking scared, Q, that little slip of the tongue was no revelation. I just never thought you'd stop being repressed before some accidental dorm room experimentation in college. I've seen the way you look at Berry, the way you clung to Celibacy Club like a freakin' life raft."

"San…" Quinn still looked shocked.

"Takes one to know one, right? Though I kinda went in the opposite direction. You tried to pray away the gay and I tried to fuck it away. Doesn't work though, does it?"

"Not really, no." Quinn replied whistfully.

"God, we're such a pair of losers. I had the girl but was too scared do anything so now I'm stuck back in the friend zone and you just bullied the girl until there was no way she could ever guess that you spend half your life drawing her face like she's the fucking Mona Lisa or some shit."

"San, I…"

"I don't need to hear it. I know what you're going to say because I've already said it. You don't have to pretend, Q. Maybe I have only ever known Quinn Fabray, head cheerleader and general bitch of McKinley, but then maybe you've only known me as that cheap girl who likes to start a fight and will pretty much do anything for a free meal at Breadstix. So what do you say, new year, new us? I'll promise not to mock you when you start actually being decent to Berry and you promise to tell me to stop being a pussy when I get too scared to just own my shit."

Santana spat on her palm and held it out to Quinn. Quinn mirrored the action and shook her friend's hand before pulling her in for a long hug. She liked the idea of a year of not giving a shit.


End file.
